


dreaming of you (on days i miss you)

by weepyclouds



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: ((character death tag is for past life!!)), Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Angst, Blood and Violence, Canon Divergence, Emotional Constipation, Eventual Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Psychological Trauma, Royalty, Slow Burn, briwoon if you squint, i'll add additional warnings in the beginning of the chapter if needed!, it gets confusing but bare with me;;, only slightly, people think i prefer fluff but surprise surprise ANGST, please read the warnings!! stay safe while reading QWQ
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-24
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-12 14:49:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 36,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29636280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weepyclouds/pseuds/weepyclouds
Summary: Wonpil thought the recurring dreams he had since he was young were just something that comes and goes. Tears falling as he woke with an empty feeling in his chest. Yearning for something but he doesn't knowwhat.He's tired. Tired of dreaming. Tired of waking up with only the vagueness of his dreams. Wonpil struggled to piece together the reasons behind them.It wasn't until he became older when he met a man with the most beautiful smile do things start to change.
Relationships: Kim Wonpil/Park Jaehyung | Jae
Comments: 15
Kudos: 33





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> hi i am finally finished with the fic that i have been hinting for far too long ;;; i almost had to celebrate it's first birthday in my drafts can you hear me sobbing qwq
> 
> now that i'm done with it, buckle up and let's go for a ride. check out the [moodboard](https://twitter.com/weepyclouds/status/1364552343208001538?s=20) i did for the fic <3
> 
> fair reminder since it is canon compliant: this is 100% fiction!!! please DO NOT think of it as a speculation of their real life in any way!! TT
> 
> also! some things to know when reading: italic words are either for past events, dreams or the pov person's inner thoughts

_"If only we had more time together."_

_A soft yet husky voice said beside him. Wonpil tried to keep his eyes open. His body getting colder by the second as he felt blood leaving his system. He's not that much of a fool to not know that he was at death's door. The moment he gives in to the temptation of resting for even a split second, that is when he crosses to the afterlife. Like a grim reaper ready to reap his life away._

_He tried to see the owner of the voice, but his vision was blurry from exhaustion and the tears welling up in his eyes. He gulped breath after breath to stay alive just a little bit longer._

_"I-I..." Wonpil began, a new batch of tears streaming down his cheeks. He extended his left hand with all the strength he could muster. Nails digging through the dirt covered with blood. His hand trembling as he tried to grab hold of the person beside him._

_Feeling the blood-soaked fabric on his fingertips, Wonpil clenched his hand hard. But when he did, the sensation of fabric disappeared and he was clenching against thin air. Wonpil looked towards the person beside him as his tears dry and his eyes widened in panic. It was like everything he had seen a few moments ago was an illusion. He couldn’t see anything but black. The vast amount of darkness covered his view, as if someone had turned off the lights with a click of a button._

_His breaths slowly became heavier and quicker. His aching injuries making the situation even worse._

_"D-Don't.." Wonpil said as he stuttered out his breath along with his words; the words choked in his throat. Tears were appearing again. He reached out once more towards the spot where the other used to be. Fingers trembling as he stretched his arm further._

_Inhale._

_Exhale._

_Inhale._

_"Don't go.."_

* * *

Wonpil always had the same recurring dream ever since he was a kid. 

The first time it happened, he was 7.

It gave his family a fright. He woke up crying uncontrollably and wouldn't stop until 10 minutes later. His heart was screaming in pain as he sobbed. He didn't know why he was crying. Tears just kept falling down as his hands clenched the front of his shirt. Wonpil inhaled heavily before releasing a shuddering breath. Hiccups escaped his lips as more sobs filled the room. 

His parents were the first to arrive at the scene. They tried their best to calm their son down by rubbing soothing circles onto his back. His sister was the second. She just held his hand tightly while whispering to him that everything will be okay.

Eventually, his tears slowed its endless stream. His hiccups still present but the heart aching in his body no longer hurt as much as before. Wonpil wiped his tears as he latched onto his mother.

His mother gracefully picked him up into a hug while patting his back. She softly asked her son as she cradled him in her arms, "What's wrong darling?"

Wonpil didn't know what to say; how to describe it in words. He felt as if he was suddenly forced down into the abyss, drowning in a place to the point of suffocation. He felt as if he was lost in a forest and didn't know the way out.

He didn't know the answer.

So, he shook his head in answer to his mother's question.

* * *

He finally understood what the feeling was when he reached the tender age of 13. It felt like he was grasping for something that was out of his reach. As if he was searching for something his entire life. It felt as if he couldn't breathe every time he tried to reach for it, feeling increasingly useless as he struggled even more.

It was...

The feeling of loneliness.

It wasn't the most pleasant feeling, nor was it the most painful feeling. He learned to live with the feeling and the tears, never questioning them. It was just a dream, right? After all, he knew he was an emotional child; crying and laughing over the littlest of things.

But, as he got older, the tears became more painful. His heart throbbed at _something_ but he doesn't know what it wants.

It just hurts. It hurts so he cries his pain away because that was all he could do.

Today was no different.

Wonpil awoke to tears already streaming down his cheeks, wetting his pillow. His left hand outstretched; as if reaching out to something. He let out a shaky breath as he brought his outstretched arm to rest on his forehead. He allowed himself to cry for a few more minutes, to calm his nerves.

When he finally calmed down, he wiped his tears away using the sleeves of his hoodie. Wonpil rose from his sleeping position and sat at the edge of his bed. Wiping away his last few tears, he grabbed his phone from the nightstand.

_4:08a.m._

Looks like he got some time before his vocal training session starts. He stood up from his bed, grabbed his notebook along with his pencil case from his nightstand, and headed towards the door that led to the hallway of the trainee dorms.

It's basically routine at this point whenever it happens. He would wake up in tears from the usual recurring dream, pour his feelings out for a little while until he felt somewhat stable, and wash up before leaving his room. From there, he would make his way to the practice room that had walls of mirrors, equipped with an air-conditioner and music instruments at the corner of the room.

As usual, he was greeted by the sight of Younghyun, strumming rhythmically on the acoustic guitar with sheets of paper sprawled out everywhere around him.

"Brian-hyung," Wonpil addressed as he entered the room.

Younghyun looked up and gave him a nod to acknowledge his presence, maintaining eye contact.

"Another one of those nights?" Younghyun asked cautiously.

Wonpil just gave a curt nod as he made his way towards the case containing his trusty old pal, the electronic keyboard. It had been his partner since he first became a trainee at JYP. It was kept deep in the closet of instruments, collecting dust. He had asked if he could use it and was thrilled when he gained permission.

(Though he wasn't allowed to take it into the dorms as they were afraid he would wake the other trainees up.)

He uses it in this practice room that was old in age and not very frequented to, other than him and Younghyun that is.

Younghyun, or Brian-hyung as Wonpil would call him, was a trainee like him. A senior trainee to be more exact. He joined JYP as a trainee before Wonpil did after all.

Younghyun had a way with words. As Younghyun was training to be not only a vocalist but also a rapper, he had to write his own rap as practice. He had shown his rapping capabilities and lyrics—that he writes for fun—to Wonpil in between lessons. He was beyond amazed of Younghyun's delicate phrases and relatable sarcasm. There were other talents that he had as well but if Wonpil were to name them all, the list would be endless.

Needless to say, Younghyun was indeed talented and gifted.

Wonpil had grown quite close to him during their dancing lessons, with Younghyun showing him the ropes on some of the basic steps. They managed to become friends out of it. He even shared about his recurring dreams to Younghyun.

And of course, the tears that came with it.

Wonpil propped up the keyboard onto the stand and plugged in the wires. He took a seat on the nearest stool he could find in the practice room. Placing his notebook on the built-in music stand of the keyboard, he flipped to the latest page.

Taking a deep breath before he gently positioned his fingers onto the keyboard keys. The mellow notes played from the keyboard flowed out in crescendo as he gently pressed the keys down while increasing the pressure slowly. He closed his eyes, drowning into the sound.

Wonpil poured out his feelings onto the keyboard in front of him that was fading in colour due to old age. The once white keys were now a palish-yellow as they squeak softly under the pressure of Wonpil's fingertips. His melody resonated through the entire practice room that even Younghyun was strumming along after finding the right chords.

"How many times a day do I tear up?" Wonpil starts out softly, lips trembling. "Even though I try to count it, I can't. Because I'm always trying to hold them in."

He just sang out his thoughts as lyrics—which he kept in mind to write it down later—while playing the notes for one of the songs that he composed during nights his recurring dreams had appeared. He continues humming the rest because he doesn't trust his trembling voice to do him justice as the emotions slowly grew inside of him.

The last few notes bounce off his fingers before his hands came to rest on his lap.

* * *

Training went on as usual. Days rolled by, weeks even. A repeat of waking up, eating, practising and sleeping goes on as a routine until one day, during lunch break, Younghyun gathered him and their other friends at their cafeteria table.

That was Wonpil's first meeting with _him_.

Right after his dance class, he went straight to the cafeteria for lunch. Younghyun had contacted them via their group chat, asking if they were okay with having lunch together today. Wonpil was the first to reply with an immediate okay, as having a meal together with friends and family was something he cherished since he was very young. A skip in his step, he made his way to their table—the one that they always sat at when they ate lunch together.

His roommate, Junhyeok, and Sungjin, whom he met during one of his vocal lessons, were already at the table when Wonpil arrived with his tray of food. He greeted them with a smile before setting his tray down.

"Where's Brian-hyungie?" Wonpil questioned as he sat beside his roommate.

"Said he had something to do and told me to go ahead without him after class," Sungjin sighed as he grabbed a piece of fried chicken with his chopsticks.

"Wondered why he gathered us all today," Junhyeok said after his glass of water.

"Maybe he just missed eating with us! It _has_ been a good two weeks since we all gathered together to have a meal together," The ever-positive Wonpil said with a wide toothy smile.

Although the dreams that only appear late at night always left him with tears flooding his eyes and staining his pillows, Wonpil loves to smile and laugh his heart out. It takes awhile for the feelings of sadness to fade away, keeping these feelings deep down within him and making sure they don’t resurface and worry other people. After that little intermission, his old bubbly self will be back once more.

"Hey! Sorry I kept you guys waiting," Younghyun greeted as he ran towards their direction, waving, with someone following him closely. The man following him was a tall, lean and bespectacled blond; a stranger to the group.

Wonpil had never seen this man before. Not in the hallways, not during his lessons. _Never_.

He’s very sure of it as someone like this stranger, a tall, blonde and lean man would surely stand out among the other trainees.

He held his breath at this. Heart clenching painfully at the sight. His lips trembling from... nervousness?

What was Wonpil nervous of? Why does he feel like he's about to break down at this very moment?

Was he afraid?

The stranger had dyed-blond hair, dark rimmed glasses that framed his face perfectly, small, round and soft looking eyes, really tall—at least a few centimetres taller than the average height of the other trainees in the cafeteria—and a smile of an angel as he smiled at Wonpil when their eyes meet.

He doesn't get it. He was about to cry at first sight because of a stranger. A stranger who he was pretty sure he had never met before in his entire life.

"Kang Bra, who's that behind you?" Sungjin said as he pointed at the tall stranger with his chopsticks.

Younghyun perked up when Sungjin had addressed the stranger who now stood beside him. "Well, this is the reason why I wanted all of us to gather today! I wanted to introduce all of you to this new trainee that was casted a few days ago,"

The dyed-blonde stranger saw this as his cue to introduce himself as he took a half-step forward.

"Hello everyone! I'm Park Jaehyung but you can call me Jae. Turning 20 years old this year and plays the guitar," Jaehyung—or Jae—said with a tad-bit awkward sounding Korean as he gave a sweet smile.

* * *

_"Hey! Are you alright over there?" a voice shouted._

_Wonpil sniffled as he felt his knee tingled in pain. Blood was oozing out of his injury and dripping down to the ground. He wiped away his tears with the back of his hands but to no avail as his tears showed no signs of stopping. He was a klutz—almost everyone in the castle knew—and he can't go a day without at least tripping over something. This time, he tripped and skinned his knee when he was running towards the garden._

_Soon after the voice called out to him, a boy, who seemed a year or so older, appeared in front of him._

_"You're bleeding," the boy stated as his eyes widened behind his glasses._

_Wonpil didn't answer him. He just continued to bawl his eyes out as this stranger checked out his injured knee._

_"Stop crying! Come on, I'll help you treat your knee," the bespectacled boy said as he extended his hand towards Wonpil. Noticing the outstretched hand, he finally stopped wiping away his tears and looked up at the stranger with teary eyes._

_The boy in front of him gave Wonpil a toothy smile with crinkled eyes as his light hair swayed in the wind._

_Wonpil couldn't help but think how beautiful that smile was. It felt as if they were frozen in time and everything was in slo-mo. The last few drops of tears fell onto the ground; mixing with his drops of blood. The cold wind kissing his skin as he stared at the stranger's hand. His lips quirked up into a small smile as if he was infected with the other's smile._

_He accepted the offered hand and pulled himself up as the boy supported his weight_ , _letting out a few sniffles. The boy then introduced himself to him._

_"The name's—"_

* * *

A few things he learned about Jae was that LA was his hometown and the language he was comfortable speaking with was English, but was able to understand Korean to an extent. This was the sole reason he was first introduced to Younghyun, who had studied in Canada for a few years, as someone who could help and understand Jae during his time here as a trainee. Needless to say, Jae spent most of his time hanging out with Younghyun and the other international trainees.

The only time he had ever spoken to Jae was when he was greeting him—whenever they passed by each other in between lessons or during lunch break—his shy demeanour getting the better of him. His hands rubbing against each other as a nervous habit. Even when they formed a band with the rest of their group, their friendship had never really blossomed as much as one would think. As a result, he spent most of his time with his roommate, Junhyeok. It was comfortable, to say the least, but he can't help but feel a weird attraction pulling him towards Jae.

He felt it as soon as he had met eyes with Jae for the first time. He doesn't know how to pinpoint this feeling, but it was close to the feeling of nostalgia.

It wasn't until it was decided that they would be debuting as a rock band does he get the chance to strengthen their friendship.

What a rock band needed that they didn't have was a drummer. They had been faring well with a cajon as the core of their acoustic band but it could only go so far. Which was why the company had done a recruitment for a drummer among the trainees and outsiders for their band. This also meant that their debut would be delayed, and it stressed almost all of the members with the fear of not being able to debut as they watched their peers go before them.

The oldest member, Jae, was calm and told everybody that it was okay; that everybody had their own pace, so what if they started a bit later than the rest? It was all part of the journey.

This sentiment made Wonpil smile and cry at the same time as Jae was the one who endured it more than the others—being the oldest of the group. He was being strong for them.

They had managed to recruit Dowoon as their drummer after a few weeks. The kid was an awkward mess. He would stumble over his words more than once in a sentence, overwhelmed by all the older members as he took the spot of the maknae from Wonpil—being a year younger than him. It was clear that they wouldn't make any progress with how much Dowoon was nervous from the whole situation. It made Dowoon more tensed as he felt bad for the rest of the members; like he was a liability that held all of them back from proceeding forward.

That was when Junhyeok decided to do something to save the situation from getting worse. He befriended Dowoon and made him feel comfortable within the group, be it during practice or just places around the building. This meant that Junhyeok started spending less time with Wonpil as he was busy getting to know Dowoon better.

Wonpil didn't mind. He started using his extra time to compose songs. It wasn't much but he managed to create small melody snippets here and there.

Alone in the room once more after one of their band practice sessions, Wonpil sat down in front of the keyboard with his notebook propped up in sight. Lightly tapping notes on the keys as he closed his eyes; immersed in the melody.

He doesn't get the chance to touch the keyboard as often as he likes anymore, being the one in charge of the synthesizer. Don't get him wrong, he finds the synthesizer _fascinating_. All the different types of sounds that it can produce and all the potential it has in various genres of songs. But, there's something more comforting, more homey, when playing on the keyboard compared to the synthesizer. Wonpil sighed in content before humming along with his melody.

It was then he heard the door creaked open slightly.

"Wonpil-ssi?"

His hands immediately froze in place, eyes darting to look at the only door of the room. His blood ran cold at the thought of his melodies being heard.

The voice was familiar from the amount of times he heard him speak during their band practices but was all the more unfamiliar with the sound of Wonpil’s name rolling off his tongue.

_Park Jaehyung._

They were not close; it was evident in the way he had said his name.

"Jaehyung-ssi," Wonpil gulped, not knowing what else to say; hands immediately started to fidget with each other.

Jae gave a soft smile and his eyes warm, different from his usual smile he shares with everyone and it made his heart ache a little, as he pushed the door fully open to reveal his tall stature and his guitar case on his back, "Were you the one playing the keyboard just now?"

Unable to suppress himself, Wonpil let out a giggle. "Is there anyone else other than me in this room?" He couldn't hold back his snark remark.

Jae laughed at that, eyes crinkling and loud laughter booming through the whole practice room, and it felt like a song that Wonpil could listen to all day and never get tired from it. He joined in with his own hiccupy laugh. After their laughter died down, Jae, with a soft wide smile, asked Wonpil what song he was playing just now.

"Oh, it's nothing much. Just something I wrote for fun,"

"What do you mean 'nothing much'? It sounded amazing!" Jae grabbed a hold of his shoulders and started shaking him in excitement. "You should show me more of your songs!"

With those eyes gleaming with so much passion and glee at him, who was Wonpil to refuse? So, he did. He showed Jae his notebook full of scribbles and music scores. A little sheepish when opening the book but eventually gained more confidence as Jae encouraged him with his smiles and compliments.

He also played some of the pieces he wrote in his notebook because Jae was curious on how it sounded like.

"Hey," Jae started in English as they were approaching the last few pages of the notebook. Surprised, Wonpil just hummed in response as he continued to survey his own scribbles on his book. Fingertips at the corner of the notebook, rubbing the pages.

"I just thought of the greatest idea,"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hurt road just suits wonpil's situation so well i am crying with him
> 
> [english translation](https://twitter.com/jaelavie/status/1072092255509336065?s=20) for the lyrics is by jaelavie on twt!


	2. Chapter 2

_The sound of wood clacking echoed throughout the room. Ragged breaths inhaling and exhaling in exhaustion. Sweat rolling off his face; dripping to the floor. Wonpil gripped the hilt of the wooden sword once more, fingers curling around the cloth wrapped around the sword, charging forward with a shout. The sword positioned slightly above his head as he charged, aiming towards the taller boy's shoulder._

_The bespectacled boy smoothly evaded his attack by parrying it with his own wooden sword and deflects the attack. Wonpil winced when he realised that his attack had failed and immediately tried to step backwards only to realise the boy was a step ahead of him as his wooden sword tapped the top of his hair._

_A bell was rung shortly after, signifying Wonpil's loss._

_Wonpil smiled brightly towards the older boy after catching his breath. "You were awesome!" He exclaimed, eyes bright with astonishment._

_Wiping the sweat off his forehead, the other just gave a soft smile. "You've improved, Pil." At that, Wonpil beamed at him with a smile that showed his teeth on full display, as he showed his appreciation for tutoring him in the first place by giving his thanks._

_"Your Highness, it's almost time for your afternoon tea session with His Majesty," An adult man, whose face resembled the boy that stood in front of him, called out._

_"Oh! I almost forgot about that," Wonpil gasped in shock as his face lit up at the thought of it. He quickly splashed some water onto his face and wiped it dry with one of the towels that the maids had prepared beforehand, not forgetting to thank the maids for even preparing them with a big wide smile, before he placed it back down into the basket._

_While putting on his coat, Wonpil turned to look at his sparring partner, the tall boy who was reaching the age of 10—just two years older than him—with a set of glasses perched low on his nose, before grabbing him by the hand as he exclaimed, "You should come with us, —!"_

_Surprise was evident in the boy's face. It quickly went away with a small yet beautiful smile gracing his face._

_Did Wonpil ever told him how beautiful his smile is?_

_He's always mesmerised by those small upturns of his lips and how his soft eyes would be nearly-closed but not quite._

_"Of course, Your Highness."_

* * *

Jae’s greatest idea was to use their free time to compose songs.

That was how they started composing songs together after their band practices. It became a part of Jae's everyday schedule. Frankly, Jae thought of it as an excuse to get to know the boy better.

The boy who had given him the worst first impression he has ever gotten in his life.

When he first met Wonpil, he looked really fierce, as if he was ready to fight him if Jae said anything remotely wrong or offensive. He tried a smile towards him but it seemed to have worsened the situation even more as Wonpil deepened his frown and averted his eyes away from Jae not before glaring at him.

Jae assumed that the younger man simply hated him. Maybe it was because he was from LA and _not_ from Korea. Or that he was intruding on their friend group. For whatever reason, Jae knows when he isn't welcomed and how to avoid uncomfortable vibes with years of experience during high school.

So, when he first saw Wonpil smiling and laughing as he was walking to get his share of lunch at the cafeteria, his brain disintegrated to the point he almost dropped his tray.

_Pause. Is this really the Kim Wonpil I know?_

Needless to say, he was thrown off by the whole thing, but somehow, not put off by it. In fact, he was even more intrigued by the entity known as Kim Wonpil. Because, heck, his smile is like the beaming sun after dark rainy clouds; the sun that comes out to give warmth to those who seek it after a long gloomy day. It's like learning how to breathe again after so long. Maybe he's being dramatic at this point, but anyone can easily be infected with his smile, even if you were watching from afar.

Wonpil is just a ball of happiness. It's hard to tell if you just saw him around alone, without his friends. And when Jae comes around to sit at the table where their friend group was, Wonpil reverted back to the person Jae thought he was; stone cold and hard to read expressions.

He was a little disappointed at this.

As time passed by, he learned that Wonpil was just an awkward bean. He's extremely shy to people whom he doesn’t know that well, which would make him seem cold and unsociable. It made a lot of sense now that Jae thinks about it.

He supposed it can't be helped that they weren't close with none of them trying to interact with each other; just occasional greetings when they meet, the bare minimum. Not to mention the language barrier as Jae was still struggling to get by with his basic Korean skills.

It led to Jae being more observant towards the younger man. Paying more attention during their small and limited interaction that they have and noticing how Wonpil was always fiddling with his hands that just exudes nervousness. Jae's smile grew fonder as time went by, realising how incredibly sweet the boy was despite his hard and rough exterior.

It feels comfortable to be in his presence, to watch his smile although Jae could only witness it from afar. It feels familiar, nostalgic and soothing. He decided he likes this feeling. Jae should've been satisfied with just that. Satisfied with just looking.

He should've been.

But he wasn't, as he too was human and it was inevitable to have some greed in him.

He wanted to become friends with Wonpil. The type of friend that can share a good laugh or two and maybe even have mindless discussions with each other. They could even watch movies together if they had time in their busy schedule, sharing laughs and tears.

That was the kind of relationship Park Jaehyung wanted with Kim Wonpil.

It felt as if the universe was helping him by putting them together in the same band. The opportunity, however, to become friends with him has yet to arrive. At least now that they were in the same band, they were now somewhat on speaking terms; only when it was absolutely necessary for them to speak to each other. Jae was by no means a coward, but he was too busy trying to survive as a trainee and debut than to focus on making new connections.

A chance appears one day when he left his guitar pick in the practice room by accident—which he swore he placed in his pocket right after their live band practice. Ultimately, the best mistake he ever made in his life (not that he would ever tell anyone that).

It was the kick-start of their blossoming friendship. They were required to compose their own songs anyway, so why not do it together?

He learned easily over the months he had spent observing their synthesist during their shared time together composing songs that Wonpil was _unique_. He was weird but not in a bad way. It could be endearing at times. The order he eats his food, the way he treats his belongings and _especially_ the way he talks.

The younger man at the age of twenty—which Jae _refused_ to believe he was twenty—could be compared to an actual child. He beamed at the littlest of things and it filled Jae's heart to the point that he's smiling along too at whatever Wonpil had discovered. He also pouted and whined whenever Jae teased him.

It's heartwarming.

* * *

"Hey."

Wonpil whipped his head to Jae's direction. Curious eyes peering into Jae's small yet soft looking eyes that hid behind the lenses of his glasses as he let go of his pencil that was noting down notes during their brainstorming session for melodies.

"Yeah?"

"Have you ever fallen in love before?"

Wonpil blinked at the question. It was an innocent question. A question that Jae had heard many times in the years he had lived. Yet, it always feels different every time he encounters it. This time, Jae was the one who said it. Heart heavy and thudding in his chest as Jae awaits his reply. It was his first attempt on having a heart-to-heart conversation with Wonpil.

"No, I don't think so."

Jae was surprised. Genuinely surprised. He had pictured Wonpil to be a sentimental person and a romanticist at heart with at least some experience in love. This turn of events was not what he had expected at all.

"Really?" Jae said with a breathless voice, like he didn't believe what Wonpil was saying. Eyes blinking in disbelief.

Wonpil just nodded with a small smile and fiddling fingers.

"Had a few crushes here and there but not really enough that I fell in love with them. What's with the sudden topic?" Wonpil gave a small giggle.

Jae just hummed in response.

"I thought it would be an interesting topic to talk about since we _are_ writing a song related to love after all,"

"Well, how about you, Jaehyung-hyung?"

It was only just recently that Wonpil decided to stack on this honorific for him. Jae was already not used to people calling him by the name 'Jaehyung'—although it is his birth name since he always went by 'Jae'—and now topping it off with the honorific was making it even harder for him.

"Me? Well, before leaving LA, there was this one girl I was somewhat interested in because we clicked really well? Never really knew if I fell in love with her though, since I left before I could really tell."

"Ah. That's too bad," Wonpil replied solemnly.

The conversation somehow died then. Silence engulfing them with quiet buzzing from the light above. Jae didn't know what to say in response to that. How was he supposed to continue? Maybe ask him if he have any ideal preferences? Or his ideal date? Maybe then the excited glimmer in Wonpil's eyes would shine as he speaks his thoughts.

"What was she like?"

Absorbed in his own thoughts, he didn't catch what Wonpil had asked. Realising that he had said something, Jae's face scrunched up in confusion as he thought about what to say in reply. Unable to stop himself, he blurted out, "Huh?"

"Your crush? Or the person you were interested in, I guess. What kind of person was she?" Again, fiddling hands in motion and Jae couldn’t help but stare at them as he listened carefully to Wonpil's question.

"Oh, she was a nice person. Short and cute. It's been years since I last spoke to her though," Jae said with a smile as he reminisced the past. He remembered their last conversation before he had left for Korea.

* * *

_"Do you really have to go?" She had said as they were standing face to face with each other at the airport. She was among those who had came to say their farewells to him._

_"Yeah, I do."_

_The petite girl who barely reached Jae's chin heaved a deep breath before grabbing his hands with shaky fingers. Lips quivering as she struggled to get the words out._

_"Jae! I-I.." Voice trembling as she looked him square in the eyes. Brown eyes shining with determination as Jae blinked at the sight. The girl who stood in front of him was beautiful with her short jet black hair and sharp-angled face structures. They had gotten along well. In fact, he could even call her one of his best friends._

_Jae had watched enough movies to get the gist of what she wanted to tell him. The girl who checked everything off of Jae's ideal type. The girl Jae wouldn't mind falling in love with._

_But why, after many years of being friends, does he not catch feelings for her?_

_Why is there always this feeling of hollowness in him whenever he tries? He doesn't get the butterflies, no heart thumping whenever they meet nor does his heart warm at the sight of her. Just, emptiness._

_"Flight DS0709 is now boarding. Please make your way_ —"

_Upon hearing the announcement of his flight, Jae decided to cut their conversation short. To prevent any uncomfortable silence should Jae decide to come back home to LA. It was only because he didn't think he could reciprocate her feelings. He had tried for many years, but it only resulted in a futile attempt._

_"That's my flight! I gotta go, catch you all next time," He snapped his head up to the sound of the announcement. Jae released his hands from the girl's grip and just gave her a pat on the shoulder. He grabbed his luggage and waved goodbye to everyone._

_"Wait! Jae!" She exclaimed as Jae walked through the boarding gates._

_Jae never looked back as he waved his hand above his head._

* * *

"Oh? So it wasn't that the girl got tired of you?" Wonpil quipped jokingly. A giggle filled with hiccups escaping his lips.

"Hey! That was mean. Don't get me started on how amazing I was back then," Jae pouted with his cheeks puffing.

"I'm just joking, hyung."

He let out an indignant huff—as if not satisfied with his response—which eventually elicited another round of laughter from Wonpil. Jae joined Wonpil's fit of laughter with his own sets of laughs (he was just acting dramatic after all).

The laughter doesn't end until minutes later because whenever one tried to control their laughter, the other laughed at their attempt to do so which made them laugh even more. It felt nice, laughing together like this. It made him feel whole.

"I wonder how does falling in love feel like?" Wonpil wondered out loud, face softening to a small smile. He looked as if he was remembering something fond. With downcast eyes while fingers once more fiddling the corner of the notebook pages.

It made Jae wonder too. Is it really like what was depicted in TV shows and movies?

Butterflies fluttering in your stomach when your eyes meet. Bashful gazes and stares, along with nervous smiles and comfortable silences. Blush adorning faces when they're holding hands and a happy ending just lying in wait as they weave carefully through their relationship. The sweetness of a relationship that a lot crave for. Just for a somebody to be by their side. Sharing silly laughs together and affectionate looks for each other.

"There's this nagging feeling in me whenever I think about it," Wonpil fiddled his fingers with the string of his hoodie, lacing it around his finger, unravelling it and repeating the whole process again. "Sorry, I'm babbling now aren't I?" Letting out a soft chuckle as he waves his hand as a gesture of apology.

Jae shook his head to reassure the younger man, staring at his waving hand before it resumed to its position on the keyboard, playing soft tunes. Wonpil's hand was tiny in comparison to his own. His eyes were drawn to them, the urge to just line their fingers and palms together—just to see how small it really was compared to his own set of long fingers—was getting to Jae.

And before he could do something really stupid and impulsive, Younghyun came crashing into the practice room; offering an abundance of snacks that could be considered as a legitimate meal. Jae pulled himself together as Younghyun poured the snacks onto the table, covering the notebook filled with scribbles in the process.

_Thank god for Brian._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger(?) warning : there are elements of junhyeok leaving the band contained in this chapter!!
> 
> you can skip the last two scenes if you are not comfy with it qwq

To say that he misjudged Wonpil from the very beginning was a huge understatement.

Nobody told him how clingy and spontaneous the man would be towards people he considered as friends. Jae was slow on the uptake but eventually found out one day at their new shared dorm.

Don't get him wrong, Jae doesn't _hate_ Wonpil's personality. In fact, he could even say that he was fond of it. Wonpil, the most empathetic person Jae knows, with his wide bright smiles and words that will induce warmth deep into your heart, albeit a little shy. Who could hate the guy?

But, a warning would've been great.

The season was already chilly enough to wear thin coats to keep their bodies warm as autumn was approaching. Their band practice went smoothly without a hitch and most of them went out to get dinner together after. Jae decided to head back to their dorm instead. Something about catching up on sleep that he missed out from his insomnia. It was getting harder to sleep lately with their debut date nearing. Thoughts filled his head, brain too active to fall asleep.

Entering the dark room known as their dorm’s living room, Jae reached out for the light switch blindly against the wall. Feeling the familiar cold plastic on his fingertips, he pressed his fingers down to turn on the lights. The square ceiling light flickered a few times before shining brightly, illuminating the room. Jae threw his bag to the couch, stripping off his coat and draping it over a hanger before placing it back on their coat rack.

He heaved a sigh after dropping to the couch, laying his head on the armrest and covering his body with the blanket that was left there. He stared at the ceiling, eyes slowly closing as he drifted off to sleep.

* * *

_The bright colours of green, blue and pink. The smell of fresh flowers in the air. The sky clear with not a single cloud. It reminds him vaguely of spring._

_From afar, there stood a boy under the shady tree. Just looking up, admiring the flowers around him. The wind tousling his hair; flower petals falling onto it, entangled in his mess of a hair. Honestly, the whole scene is breathtaking._

_The bright colours of spring that reminds him of hushed conversations between them at midnight with the starry sky and the company they give each other in comfortable silence sometimes come in yellow._

_Just like your smile._

* * *

Jae doesn't know when he had fallen asleep, but when he woke up, the numbers flashing on his phone was 5:21AM and the light in the room was off. Blinking and rubbing the sleep out of his eyes as he glared at his phone a few times. He pushed himself up from his position on the couch, his outfit—a simple button-up shirt with a pair of jeans—from yesterday wrinkled because he was too lazy to change into something more sleep appropriate. Slipping on his glasses that he left on the coffee table before laying on the couch, he checked his schedule.

_Nothing in the early morning._

Which was something he desperately needed because he didn't think he'd be up to anything at the moment. Though it just might be his sleep-addled mind being all groggy.

With that, Jae decided to do the one thing he always does in the morning; scrolling his social media feed on his phone with his eyes squinting at his phone's screen that shone brightly in the dark.

"Hyung?"

Jae whipped his head up to the source of the voice. Before his eyes even met with the owner of the voice, Jae already knew who it was. There was no mistaking that soft and unique voice. His eyes blinked blearily before it can adjust to the darkness surrounding them, with only the moonlight shining through their window.

The man was in front of him, wearing an oversized hoodie with the hood covering his dyed brown wavy hair and some comfortable looking sweatpants, rubbing his eyes in exhaustion. The light filtering through the window and reflecting off the thick black frame of glasses resting on the younger man's face.

"What are you doing up so early, Wonpillie?" Jae said while placing his phone down onto the couch, giving Wonpil his full attention. It was rare for anyone except himself to be up this early. He watched as Wonpil fixed his glasses back on properly after disrupting the placement of his glasses from his sleep removing eye rubs, blinking a few times before staring at Jae's figure on the couch.

"Had a weird dream," was his only explanation before shuffling towards the couch and sitting next to Jae, hogging all of his blankets. If it sounded like Wonpil was trying to change the topic, Jae didn't push him any further. Just giving a short and low hum underneath his breath to Wonpil's answer, tugging on the blankets a little so that they were sharing the blanket and resuming to whatever article—something related to sleep he thinks—he was reading on his phone.

They don't exchange any words with each other; sharing the silence of the night with the soft whirling of the heater. Minutes passed by yet the darkness still enveloped them in it, the bright sun nowhere to be seen. By now, he assumed that Wonpil was fast asleep, hearing the steady and soft breathing from the younger man. He felt the other shift closer to him when the wind blew towards them from the window, stealing some of Jae's body warmth.

He didn't say anything to that, not even turning to look at Wonpil; just minding his own business. It was a chilly morning after all.

It soon becomes a mistake.

Because, out of the blue, Jae felt a soft press of lips behind his right ear. It made his eyes widened, mouth slackened as he took a deep breath, expecting the worst-case scenario. If Jae was still sleepy before this, he's very sure he was wide awake now.

_Wait, did Wonpil just—_

He didn’t dare finish the thought as he snapped his head towards Wonpil's direction so fast he thought he heard his neck made a soft cracking sound. Their synthesist was curled up on the couch, barely fitting his tiny frame over his share of the blanket, unmoving. He was facing the other direction; away from Jae. Breaths still steady along with the rhythmical falls of his chest.

Was Jae just imagining things?

No, it couldn't be. His imagination is not _that_ good—something that was not worth bragging.

Maybe, when Wonpil was turning around in his sleep, his lips accidentally brushed against Jae's neck. That seemed more plausible to Jae than the other possible reasons (that he refuses to acknowledge). Which was what he had settled on as his brain took the decision to forget about the entire incident until months later.

* * *

The day Junhyeok left the band was when Jae first realised how fragile they were. It hit him quite hard.

The day where the comfortable silence that they all once shared in their dorm was now replaced with a tensed atmosphere. The day where they find the resolve to let go for the sake of a friend; for his happiness.

When Junhyeok announced to them his departure from the group, nobody blamed him for it.

None of them told him to stay but none of them told him to leave too. They had long tried to reassure the keyboardist that they would be able to work things out together; as a team, as friends.

But, to no avail, Junhyeok, too, love them as much as they love him. Which was why he had made that decision.

And they were sure to respect it, even though they don't necessarily agree with it.

Everyone just gave him a pat on the back and told him that he did well. That they were proud of him. It prompted Junhyeok to cry on their shoulders, not without expressing his gratitude for them and the years spent together.

They let him go. For the sake of the future. It was for the better. But why does that not make Jae feel any better about the situation?

* * *

Later that day, at the studio, Jae could see Wonpil curled up over the corner of the room, head down with his messy wavy hair all over the place.

"Hey, Wonpil-ah. If you're gonna sleep, at least do it in your own room," Jae said as he nudged the younger man by his shoulder. It made him burrowed his head deeper onto his knees. While Wonpil was shifting around on the chair, Jae could hear a soft sniff, followed by a hand wiping down Wonpil's face. Jae frowned at this.

"Wonpillie?" Jae softly pried away the hands that were hugging his knees close to his chest. A hiccup could be heard along with more sniffles before a long drawn out whine accompanied by the pulling of hands in an attempt to retrieve them from Jae's hold. It took a few tries before Wonpil finally looked up with red-rimmed eyes; tears filling them up. He was crying. Lips quivering and teeth biting down on them to prevent sobs from escaping.

Jae's heart broke at the sight. The sun of the team that practically radiates positive energy wherever he goes, was riddled with pure sadness and frustration.

"Why, hyung? _Why?_ " Wonpil questioned, finally allowing a few sobs to escape through his lips as more tears drip down his face. Although he haven't elaborated his question, he knew what the younger was implying. Jae hardened his face, not allowing himself to cry. He had promised himself not to cry today but watching their most bubbly member cry was making it hard for him to keep it.

"I don't know," Jae said with finality, "I don't know." He pressed his lips together firmly, staring into big doe eyes with a hardened look, wiping away the fallen tears off Wonpil's cheek. His fingers continued to rub soothing circles on his cheek before finally engulfing Wonpil into a loose embrace.

Jae wasn't one for too close for comfort skin-ships but he has known Wonpil for a few years now and knows how it comforts him when he was feeling a little under the weather. Their synthesist cried harder onto Jae's shirt, drowning it in tears and snot all the same but Jae couldn't find it in himself to care—holding him tighter when another sob wrecked through his small frame. Jae didn't know what to say as a form of comfort.

Wonpil was the one who smiled the brightest today during their farewell, being Junhyeok's closest friend and ex-roommate since their trainee days. He knew the hole he had to fill after Junhyeok left. He knew that Junhyeok rather be sent off with a smile rather than sad faces. But, because he knew, it made it harder for Wonpil—the most sentimental person in their group—to keep his true feelings in; for the sake of his friend. Jae felt upset over it too, but he always had trouble expressing it sincerely so people would always think he was being indifferent. Which was why he didn’t know what to do in a situation like this since nobody had ever done this for him before.

After a few minutes, Jae could hear the rain clouds within Wonpil finally settled down as his breathing finally evens out and the grip on his shirt loosened. It seemed as if he had fallen asleep.

"It'll be okay. It's time we let him go, we've been holding onto him for too long already," Jae softly murmured in English, finally letting out a sigh. It was true. They had long pretended that everything was going to be okay, and that their measly band—that was just starting out—would be able to protect their main keyboardist. They held onto him for months, reassuring him that it would be fine as long as they were in this together everything would work out alright.

But, it wasn't.

Junhyeok was holding in how it was swallowing him up slowly; drowning in the abyss of darkness. The hollow sound of his voice resonating the now empty room. It was despairing to see it happened, and Jae couldn't do anything to stop it. The least they could do for him was to finally let him go. Let him pursue his own path, separate from theirs. For him to smile again. They could no longer perform together anymore. It was inevitable. Although they knew that, accepting it was a different thing.

When Jae finally released Wonpil from his embrace to bring a pillow and blanket for him, he was shocked to see wide—slightly bloodshot—eyes staring up at him. Jae really thought Wonpil had fallen asleep.

"Thank you, Jaehyung-hyungie."

The smile that came after uttering these words was warm and comforting and it made Jae want to crack a smile too after everything that had happened. He would've under normal circumstances but, what happened after that just confused him further.

Wonpil immediately pulled him by the shirt and gave a small peck on the cheek before leaving him dumbfounded on the floor.

It was his second mistake.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger(?) warning : there are elements of junhyeok leaving the band contained in this chapter too!!
> 
> you can skip those scenes (until you see a new scene that stars with "Honestly, Wonpil didn’t...") if you are not comfy with it TT

_It didn't come in an instant. It was a slow, painful and gradual process. So painful that his heart ached like it was killing him inside while leaping and basking in fondness all the same. It was tiring. He was tired of feeling like this all the time; not a single break in between, brain constantly overworking itself every day. Thinking of the impossible._

_Stop, he told his brain. Please stop, I just want to stop feeling this way._

_The way how his smile pricks the inside of me all the while sending butterflies to my stomach. The countless amount of times our hands brushed but not a single word spoken about it. Those days where we could comfortably sit in silence, with you watching me from a distance for courtesy's sake. How our eyes always seemed to meet for some unknown reason. Confused by the brain and blinded by feelings, he once told himself._

_He had no one to confront his feelings with anymore, so he confronted them with himself; remembering words his mother used to say. The earliest memory he could recall was the one where his mother was smiling beautifully in their small little garden at the back of their tiny wooden shed house. It wasn't much but it was enough to get by with. His sickly mother would always caress his head, threading her fingers through his wavy locks, and hum a soft tune under her breath; singing whispers of love._

_Wonpil always enjoyed those moments even if he was too young then to understand what she had even sung to him. She would then tell him a story along with a piece of advice._

_"Love is a beautiful yet tragic feeling, sweetie. Get too close and you'll risk losing everything you've built up on. Distance too much and you'll risk hurting your heart from yearning all the more." his mother's weekly dose of advice was here once more. Wonpil—with his beautiful doe-like eyes—looked up from his spot on his mother's lap. He cocked his head in confusion, eyebrows knitted together with a frown. Watching Wonpil's reaction, his mother chuckled, which confused him even more._

_"It's alright sweetheart. Perhaps in the future you would understand."_

_Ah. So, this is love._

* * *

His dreams had changed over the years. Those days of waking up from the same recurring dreams had gradually slowed down. It meant he wouldn't wake up with a heavy heart and tears streaming down his face before dawn. It meant he wouldn't be spending time wallowing in sadness that his mind had yet to comprehend.

But, although his dreams had changed, he couldn't quite remember his dreams since the start, so only the feelings that he felt in the dreams remained when he wakes up—which was the only clue that his current dreams were different.

So, why then had he woken up at five in the morning if his dreams were different? The ache in his heart telling him that those dreams were more than what he imagined it to be, his eyes teary from the pain it caused him to feel. The dreams that always left him feeling hollow and useless were no longer present as often. This time around, it made him feel as if he was about to be torn into pieces, frustration settling on his nerves and head ringing from thinking too much.

How he craved to be embraced in a hug at this very moment or just to share a space with someone, knowing they are there and present to keep him grounded. His body was still aching from sleep as he tried to get out of bed, only to feel the weight of his tired body pulling him back to bed. Nevertheless, he forced his body to rise up, slipped on his glasses and left the room, not before doing a little stretch to wake his body up a tiny bit—which made the hood drop to his head, covering his messy bed hair.

Wonpil knew Jae was an early riser. He had listened to the soft thumps of steps every other day as Jae made his way to the couch—which was apparently Jae's current favourite place to nap on—sometimes even hearing soft mutters of English if Wonpil focused hard enough. He hadn't explicitly saw Jae awake before so this would be his first time, as his eyes adjusted to the darkness, seeing Jae on the couch with the light from his phone accentuating his features slightly.

"Hyung?" The words left his lips as soon as he stepped into the living room, eyes still barely seeing from tears and sleepiness; rubbing his eyes to get a clearer view of the man in front of him. The spot next to Jae was vacant and inviting, equipped with a neglected blanket just hanging off Jae's leg and a perfectly warm human being to cuddle up next to (if he was brave enough). God, he must be really touch-starved.

"What are you doing up so early, Wonpillie?"

He almost didn't catch what Jae was saying as his eyes were drawn to that open spot on the couch. It's tempting, really, to just walk over there with an excuse that it was cold and snuggle up on the couch, curl up in all the blankets and probably even scoot closer to steal some of Jae's body warmth. Forgetting all of his worries and melancholic feelings from his numerous dreams.

And that's exactly what he did—successfully avoiding the topic as he slumped down to the spot next to Jae—after muttering a soft, "Had a weird dream."

He's sure he's on the verge of sleeping at this point; bunched up in the blankets—hogging almost all of it before Jae protested with a tug—eyes squinting to look up at Jae as he leaned into the warm body ever so slightly. He was always curious about Jae, the man who would always take the opportunity to bicker with him on every little thing and make fun of him for it jokingly, and the same man would always put others first before himself. Park Jaehyung; a selfless man by default. Wonpil took this opportunity to stare at all the little details decorating Jae's face discreetly.

His eyes trailed over the lines of his side profile, tracing the shape of his plump lips to the shape of his ear. It was then Wonpil noticed a mole behind his ear. It was peeking just below Jae's right ear.

_How cute._

Before his mind could register what he had done, his lips had pressed lightly onto Jae's neck, right at where his mole was. The contact of his lips and Jae's skin reminded him of days where he could just bask in the sun all day without caring about anything in the world. The sensation reminded him of days where he could just have meaningless chatter all night long even though it was way past their bedtime. It reminded him of feelings that he could not describe. It filled him with so much warmth, closing his eyes and embracing the feeling as he drifted back to sleep.

* * *

Wonpil thought he would be used to crying by now. Used to the feelings of remorse and sadness that should've been a common occurrence to someone like him, who dreams of drowning in a void with no one by his side. He _thought_ that he had gotten used to it.

But, seeing Junhyeok coming into the living room with determination and a tight smile on his face, Wonpil doubt that he would ever get used to those feelings. His heart sank upon hearing his decision. Wonpil desperately wanted someone from their band to speak out and stop him from leaving. It can't be him to be the one to do so. He was already on the verge of tears, the smile he plastered on his face was the only thing keeping him together; this facade of his.

Nobody did in the end and Wonpil couldn't find it in himself to be mad about it. Because he understood the reasons behind the decision Junhyeok had made, and he too understood the reasons why nobody stopped their main keyboardist.

It was all so that their Junhyeok could truly smile again; a simple reason really.

Although it was simple, it doesn't mean that Wonpil would be able to make his heart understand why it was in pain and instantly stop himself from hurting deep inside.

Finally out of sight from any prying eyes, he let out tears of anguish. It felt painful to let them out, letting them run free down his cheeks. Wonpil held onto himself as a form of comfort, curling himself into a ball. _It would be fine. Everything would be okay. It was for the best. Get a grip, Kim Wonpil._

Nevertheless, the tears still continued to roll down.

And when Wonpil heard the soft click of the door opening, he just snuggled closer to his knees and hid his face with his unruly hair.

The instant he heard the call of his name, he knew who it was.

_Park Jaehyung._

He couldn't find it in himself to look Jae in the eye right now, not when he is a literal mess with no smile to be seen to soften the mood. Too tired from crying to even try to crack a smile. It was too much for him. But when Wonpil finally looked up after numerous tugs from Jae, he noticed the bright gleam in those chocolate eyes were no longer present. A dull shine replaced it instead, showing the amount of sadness and frustration that the older man was keeping deep inside.

Unable to contain himself, Wonpil questioned out loud about the whole situation. He was bitter about it, screams muted because who was he to complain? He knew the risks and demands that came with it, so did Jae and the rest of the band members. Endless streams of tears flowed down with hiccups and sniffles as Jae wiped them away gently; muttering a few "I don't know"s.

It was only when he was finally engulfed in a hug from Jae does he finally stop crying. Tears choked up in his chest once more with how comforting it feels to be in Jae's embrace. It felt as if he was finally home and that everything would really be alright from now on. It really did.

His tears finally came to a slow, hands still wrapped around the familiar embrace. It’s strange how he finds solace in only Jae’s embrace. No one else, just Jae’s. The feeling of safety and comfort that Wonpil feels from it and the smiles that grace his face every so often comes naturally in his presence. It’s strange.

"It'll be okay. It's time we let him go, we've been holding onto him for too long already,"

When Jae murmured those lines in English, Wonpil felt the tears welled up again. It was a simple truth but when Jae said it again with confidence that could only be heard when speaking in his mother tongue, Wonpil couldn’t stop them anymore, silently trickling down his cheeks; memorising every word that Jae had said. 

He might not have understood what Jae had said completely but he could feel the connotation behind it. Every word weighing deeply in his mind, going over it again and again in his head. Images of Junhyeok’s smile slowly disappearing as weeks passed by. The number of times Wonpil had to tell not only himself but everyone else, that everything would be okay. His will weakening when he witnessed it happening.

So, this time they chose to let him go. To let go of the future with him in it. To ensure that their main keyboardist smiles again even if it wasn’t together with them anymore. Maybe this time, finally, Wonpil would learn to let go.

His eyes focusing on the man embracing him gently—as if he was a frail creature that could potentially get crushed. His heart warming at the sight of Jae trying to cheer him up, the urge to smile at the gesture comes naturally even if it had been awhile since his last honest smile. _Ah, what is this feeling?_

When their eyes meet, Wonpil finally released a barely contained toothy smile. “Thank you, Jaehyung-hyungie.”

Witnessing the corners of Jae’s lips twitched up slightly, the warmth once again spreading through his body and he felt giddy from it. Fingers reaching out to grab onto the collar of Jae’s shirt, pulling him down to his level and planting a kiss onto his cheek as a form of gratitude before leaving the room without thinking too much on it.

* * *

_“Brian-hyung,” Wonpil called from the other side of the room. They had just finished their band practice for the day and were packing up their instruments to leave the practice room. Everyone else had already left the room to grab food, leaving Younghyun and Wonpil behind._

_Younghyun looked up from his spot at the table. He was arranging his messy sheets of paper, compiling all of them into one neat stack._

_“I know we’ve already written the lyrics for all of the tracks in our next album..” Wonpil started with slight hesitation. He knew that the possibility of this idea getting approved was very slim but he wanted to try. Clearing his throat with newly found determination before continuing, “But, I was thinking of rewriting the lyrics for the title track.”_

_Younghyun was puzzled. His eyebrows furrowed with confusion and his nose scrunched while thinking._

_“What do you want to rewrite it as?”_

_Wonpil took out the piece of paper he kept in his notebook. He had torn a page corner of another notebook hastily a few days ago to jot down the words Jae had told him in comfort during his breakdown before his brain can delete them from his memory. Handing the note to Younghyun, he told him, “Something along these lines?”_

_Younghyun unfolds the paper to see messy scribbles of words written in English across the paper._

_‘It'll be okay. It's time we let him go, we've been holding onto him for too long already’_

_Wonpil saw the look of shock from Younghyun before the latter lifted his gaze to meet his. It hadn’t been too long since Junhyeok had left their band. It was a fresh wound that needed to be addressed. He wanted to write a song for their main keyboardist. Maybe then they could finally let him go._

_After a few moments of silence, Younghyun finally broke it with a soft voice. “I think it’s a great idea, Wonpillie.”_

_A reassurance to their fans. Most importantly, a message to him from all of them._

_Letting go._

* * *

Honestly, Wonpil didn’t find it a big deal; cheek kisses that is. He had always displayed his affectionate side to almost everyone he was close to. Everyone in the building—including the staff—probably wouldn’t bat an eye if they suddenly saw him running across the hallway just to give someone a tight hug. That was how common it was.

But maybe cheek kisses were not that common in his case since he only does it towards his family members, which doesn’t really justify why he did it to Jae. 

So, why did he do it? He couldn’t come up with a reason for it because it just felt natural to him and he doesn’t know why. But every single time after that incident, when he leaned into Jae’s personal space a little too much, he could feel his heart sink when Jae flinched out of his way subtly—which further confuses him.

Why was he feeling this way? Like the world was conspiring against him and everything around him was just falling apart so soon. And when Jae smiled back at him, every cell in his body would flush in happiness and he would smile and giggle along because Jae was smiling—Jae always made him smile effortlessly. One glance and the smile just automatically bubbles up to his lips.

Questions filled his mind and brows furrowed as he sipped on his daily dose of caffeine for the day during his hangout with another good friend of his during their trainee days, Jinyoung. He’s barely focusing on what Jinyoung was trying to tell him; trying to wrap his head around the endless stream of questions that were forming around Jae.

Wonpil finally snapped out of it when Jinyoung shook him hard with his hands on his shoulders. “Pil, you alright?” Eyes gleamed with worry as they exchanged looks.

“What? Why wouldn’t I be?” Wonpil questioned, lips quirking into a smile to hide his guilt for not paying attention to their ongoing conversation.

“You’ve been sipping from an empty cup for about ten minutes now,” Jinyoung said with an eye roll as he gestured to the cup that Wonpil was cradling in his hands on the tabletop. Wonpil frowned at the statement, shaking his plastic cup as if he didn’t trust Jinyoung.

_Oh, it is empty. Jinyoung was telling the truth._ Face flushing in embarrassment.

“Something on your mind?” Jinyoung continued, genuinely worried for Wonpil.

Wonpil took it as his cue to groan into his palms, running them down his face and pulling at the skin around his eyes in exasperation. God, there’s no way he can get out of this now. Jinyoung was a persistent person after all. The last time he had tried to avoid a confrontation, Jinyoung pestered him for a whole two weeks before Wonpil finally gave in and told him.

Taking in a deep breath before looking up to face his friend.

“Just.. some thoughts I’ve been having for a few months now. It’s not anything serious though!”

Jinyoung’s eyes narrowed, not believing a single word he had just said to him. “I’ll be the judge of that.”

Wonpil whined. Jinyoung was always like this; stubborn and unrelenting.

“It’s just,” Wonpil hesitated for a moment, feeling his face heat up from revealing the thoughts that were kept deep in his mind, “Jaehyung-hyungie kept making me feel.. weird.”

Jinyoung gaped at him, face scowling the instant he heard that, trying to form the words in his head before replying. “Wait, what do you mean by 'weird'? He’s not bullying you or anything is he?” The tone Jinyoung used sounded threatening even to Wonpil’s ears, his face scrunching into a scowl.

“No!” Wonpil exclaimed a little too quickly; Jinyoung flinching in shock from his quick response. He sighed deeply before explaining, “It’s just weird.”

“Every time he’s around, I get this warm feeling in my chest. When he avoids me because of something I did, there’s this pain inside—” The words come out as if a dam had just been broken free and he can no longer contain these frustrations anymore. He _needs_ an answer.

“Wonpil.”

He didn’t stop, unable to hear Jinyoung calling his name from the intensity of his own voice, “—that feels as if a little part of me is ripping itself apart. And when he smiles—“ Wonpil knew he’s smiling at that moment because he just imagined Jae smiling at him again. 

“Hey, Wonpil-ah!”

“—it’s like the whole world suddenly brightened up and then I just smile too—”

“Wonpil, stop!” Jinyoung was shaking him again, this time with more force than the last. Wonpil finally snapping out of his seemingly endless ramble, blinking a few times before glaring at Jinyoung. “You asked me to tell you and now you’re asking me to stop.” Lips pouting and hands gathering at the front of his chest, crossing them with each other.

“Yeah, because you’re obviously gushing at this point. Gosh, Kim Wonpil. Are you dense or something?”

Face riddled with frowns and eyebrows creasing together. He was confused. Dense? Sure, he’d sometimes zoned out during conversations and couldn’t answer when a question was directed to him so that’s why he was called stupid at times, but dense?

“What do you mean? Please explain it to me, Jinyoungie.” Voice teetering on the edge of a whine.

Jinyoung heaved another long sigh. “What I meant was—" tapping Wonpil’s chest with his pointer finger twice, “—you, my friend, have a crush on Jaehyung-ssi.”

_What? A crush?_

“Excuse me Jinyoungie but, a crush? Are you making fun of me?” Wonpil huffed in disbelief, arms still crossed.

Because Wonpil has had crushes before and it felt _way_ different than whatever he was experiencing with Jae now.

With a crush, he could feel his heart racing every second he was in their presence, face turning red when their eyes meet, and smiles were rare for Wonpil because of the way butterflies were invading his stomach; the words choked up in his throat.

Sure, sometimes he couldn’t find it in himself to look into Jae’s eyes but that’s beside the point.

The point was that this is definitely _not a crush_ and Jinyoung is _wrong_.

“Oh, come on Wonpil-ah. All the signs are there. Thoughts about him and not paying attention to conversations? Warm feeling in your chest when you see him? Feeling hurt because he flinched away? _Definitely_ a crush in my books,” Jinyoung was shaking Wonpil again as if he was trying to scream at him to _open his eyes_ and see the _truth_ lying in front of him.

“Ugh, no! I’ve had crushes before and this—” Wonpil was now using his hands to explain the feelings more with his gestures, “—is definitely not it. I don’t have a crush on Jaehyung-hyungie. It‘s something else because it feels very _very_ different.”

All of his crushes were all puppy love and sparkles whenever he thinks about them, unrealistic expectations and ideals placed in his brain. Jae was different. His mind had already drawn a clear picture for him. Having a crush did not mean smiling every time they smile and it definitely did not mean feeling comfortable whenever they just sit in silence, barely conversing with each other.

He was _sure_ of it.

Jinyoung scratched the back of his head before finally heaving another long drawn out sigh, silently resigning. “Alright, Wonpil.”


	5. Chapter 5

_As he got older, his time became more limited and restrictive. Every second mattered and lost time was something he could not afford. He busied himself with obligations that were required of him to do. No time to spare for anything or anyone, even his own self. Always running from one end of the castle to the other end and sometimes even venturing out of it; helping out every way he could because it was his duty. Soon, his days became just a blur, repeating them over and over again with the same routine._

_And when he reached the age of 20, another load of duties was handed off to him._

_Arranged marriage offers._

_Another headache to add into the mix._

_Countless beautiful women from around the kingdom, smiling with grace and sophisticated to the touch. Yet, Wonpil couldn't find it in his heart to smile back with the same amount of affections as them. Every moment spent with these ladies, he was wishing to be anywhere but here. Yearning for something else other than this. Yearning for those countless nights spent gazing at the stars, picking out whatever shapes they could form. Eyes searching for that worn-out scabbard that was always by his side._

_"Your Highness?" The woman before him questioned, a hand around his arm while they danced along to the rhythm of the waltz. His wandering eyes had yet again lost its focus._

_"Apologies, my lady," His grip on her hand tighten upon realisation, eyes crinkling as he smiles at her; prying his eyes away from his knight who was just lingering around him with a disinterested expression on his face._

_His father had questioned him, asking if he was dissatisfied with the women of their land. If they were not beautiful enough for someone like him._

_He quickly dismissed those statements, telling the king that he was simply not ready yet. Wonpil himself knew that it was nothing like that. They were gorgeous and may even be a perfect fit for the betterment of the kingdom. But, it goes against his principles—marrying someone he doesn't have feelings for._

_Not that he could tell that to his beloved father, who was traditional in every sense._

* * *

"Wonpil-hyung, you're staring again," Dowoon huffed.

He barely heard what Dowoon said, too preoccupied to even focus on anything else. Stupid smile still plastered on his face as he turned to the drummer who had a frown etched on his face. "Did you just say something Dowoonie?"

Dowoon's frown deepened. He seemed pissed for some reason and Wonpil doesn't really understand why. Concerned, he dropped his smile. "What's wrong, Dowoon-ah?"

They were filming for their latest comeback of the month, _What Can I Do_. Dowoon, Wonpil and Sungjin were just standing among the staff members as they were in the middle of shooting Jae and Younghyun's scene; the scene where they bumped into each other in the school hallways and Younghyun—the bad boy character in school—threatened Jae with a scowl. It was supposed to be a short take but Jae, for some reason, couldn't stop laughing at Younghyun's expression so they had to film the scene over and over again. At this very moment, it was their third take.

"Oh my god, hyung," Dowoon said in exasperation, rolling his eyes as Sungjin peeked curiously from his shoulder. Looking between the two, Sungjin's face lit up in realisation of the meaning behind his groan, giving a silent pat on Dowoon's shoulder with a knowing look. It made Dowoon groan even more dramatically into his palms. Wonpil frowned at their interaction.

_What? Was there something I’m missing out on again?_

Finally over with their dramatic antics, Dowoon clasped Wonpil's hands together with his own.

"Wonpil-hyung."

The confusion still evident on Wonpil’s face as his brows furrowed deeper, looking straight into Dowoon's eyes, hands itching to pull away because he’s so confused with the whole situation and being held by the hands is Not Helping.

"Why do you keep staring at Jae-hyung?" The serious tone that Dowoon laid down right after that dramatic skit he did with Sungjin was getting to him. He was thrown off by it, eyes wide open like Dowoon had accused him of doing something bad.

"What are you talking about, Dowoonie. I wasn't staring, I was just observing Jaehyung-hyung's and Brian-hyung's acting skills. They're really good!" Wonpil said, slightly pulling his hands away from Dowoon's grasp.

It didn't work because Dowoon firmed his grip, to make sure that he doesn't escape. Flustered, he puts on a smile to convince Dowoon. He didn't buy it, serious gaze still the same as his grip around Wonpil's hands tightened even more.

"Yeah.. no. That doesn't explain the other times, Wonpil,” Sungjin chimed in.

He could feel the blush creeping onto his face, embarrassed that he was caught; head facing down and away from their all-knowing eyes. Honestly, if Wonpil knew the reason, he wouldn't be this baffled.

The problem was that even Wonpil didn't have an explanation for them. He does it unconsciously and honestly he had given up a long time ago trying to theorise whatever this was. Just as he was about to refute and make up an excuse, he heard the call of their names for the filming of the next scene and the two finally dropped the subject and released Wonpil's hands.

Wonpil sat at the table beside Sungjin in the classroom as the camera rolled, making casual conversation with no context for the scene. Hearing that boisterous laugh coming from the other side of the classroom, it was Sungjin's cue to turn and glance at the main female love interest of the music video with a fond and longing look. Wonpil, on the other hand, continued his mindless chatter as mentioned in the script.

After a few seconds, he acted the scene where his character noticed Sungjin was not answering his questions and proceeded to look at the pair, who were laughing out loud, as he followed Sungjin's gaze. And when Wonpil looked back at Sungjin, he recognised the look in his eyes. It felt oddly familiar.

_"Thoughts about him and not paying attention to conversations?"_

Oh..?

Wonpil looked back at Jae, with his new set of pastel pink hair, pushing his soft cheeks with his fists. His smile after that made his eyes form the shape of crescents and everything is just so beautiful again, the warmth blossoming in him once more.

_"Warm feeling in your chest when you see him?"_

Oh.

And when they had a break in between scenes, Wonpil—more discreetly this time—was staring again. At the Jae that was interacting with everyone around him, giving his opinions on how they could execute the next scene. At how he placed the side of his pointer finger in between his nose and lips when he laughed, trying to cover the broad smile he was wearing. Before he could look away, Jae caught him staring and offered a smile to him as he cocked his head to the side as if to ask why Wonpil was looking at him.

_"Love is a beautiful yet tragic feeling, sweetie."_

_Oh._

It definitely wasn't a crush.

It was the feeling of falling in love.

_Fuck._

* * *

_Another night where they shared the starry sky with each other, just savouring the other's presence beside him._

_They used to do this every single night for years, a cup of hot chocolate warming their hands as they whispered softly to each other about anything at all. A routine only for the two of them. Not as prince and knight. Just as Wonpil and—_

_Now, it became close to none in the recent months, with the time constantly ticking around them. Anything they do needed to be with careful consideration on whether it would be beneficial for the kingdom. Not a single step wasted._

_Wonpil just sighed, a smile resting on his lips; watching as the puff of white breath dissipate right in front of him. He really missed this._

_“Pil.”_

_Wonpil turned to look at the tall, indifferent but somehow endearing man. Beautiful eyes that seemed to captivate him and sparkle with every smile whenever he stole a look. He was confident those eyes had swoon countless of people around the castle._

_“What’s on your mind?” He softly pried from Wonpil as he placed the cup down on the flat edge of the railing._

_“Just...” he pulled the jacket draped over his shoulders a little closer to his body, shielding himself from the cold weather, before continuing, “Been thinking about my next duty as the third prince of this kingdom.”_

_Staring at the swirl of steam emitted by the hot chocolate in his glass cup, he thought about his soon-to-be announced arranged marriage with the princess from the west kingdom. The princess of the west, Layla, was prim and proper as any princess would be from head to toe. Golden locks framed her face with cerulean blue eyes that envisioned the ocean. She was the fairest and most beautiful lady of that kingdom._

_Wonpil should be thanking his lucky stars he got to marry a princess like herself, even if it was only for political reasons; to form an alliance between their kingdoms with their union. But, he doesn't._

_He doesn't dwell on it when the king had told him of the possibility of an alliance with the west kingdom. Nor does he gawk at the west kingdom's princess like all the other nobles do at the ball, where they were first acquainted to each other._

_Instead, he was busy trying to still his palpitating heart and focus on the conversation in front of him rather than the stupid scrawny but somehow strong man who was ridiculously tall with lips that—_

_“Prince Wonpil?” Layla called softly with a look of amusement._

_He did it again. God, he has got to stop doing that._

_“Yes, Your Royal Highness?”_

_“You’re distracted. Something on your mind?” A mischievous smile resting on her lips and honestly, Wonpil had never felt this nervous in his whole entire life. Gulping down the lump that formed in his throat and his right hand squeezing his left thumb to calm his nerves as his face heated up from embarrassment._

_Before he could answer her question, Layla took a glance behind her back, following the line of sight where Wonpil was staring off to a few moments ago and returned back to Wonpil with an even wider smile. She said to him with a knowing look, “I see.”_

_The white puff of steam slowed as the drink cooled with time. Wonpil lifted the cup to his lips before sipping on the now lukewarm chocolate drink as the flash of memory disappeared from his thoughts. He had not said a single word about his arranged marriage to the older man yet, too much of a coward to see his reaction. But, Wonpil’s got a feeling that he already knew. He always does when it came to him._

_So, he asked the only question that truly mattered to him._

_“Will you still continue to be by my side?” Wonpil asked in a small voice, staring at the bottom of his glass cup._

_Anything else didn’t matter as long as he was still by his side, lurking somewhere in his life. Wonpil could truly follow through with anything as long as he was there. Even if he has to go against his own words and philosophies._

_“Always, Pil.”_

* * *

He spent the last few nights staring at the ceiling of his wall, drowned in his thoughts. Thoughts about Jae. When did it first start? They were barely even talking when they first met. The languages they both were proficient in were one of the main factors why it took so long to even get them to converse with each other. The weird attraction he felt to Jae was something indescribable.

Perhaps it was the familiarity of it all at first. Then comes the comfortability of just being in each other's presence. Too beautiful of a picture his mind had painted and smiles were natural when it came to Jae.

Only him.

The realisation of his feelings was what really kept him awake for several nights, trying to make more sense of the thought. It took him more staring to finally come to terms with it. God, he was so blind. He should’ve thought about it longer when Jinyoung brought up the possibility of a crush. Though Jinyoung was wrong about it being a crush, he was definitely on the right track (Wonpil will never tell him that, Jinyoung didn’t need another ego boost) because it ended up being something far worse.

To his own surprise, Wonpil doesn't panic when he finally accepted the fact that he was in love with Jae all this while. This statement itself was the one that surprises him instead. It felt so natural just being in Jae's presence and relishing the happiness that overflows in him whenever they were talking or spending time with each other. It didn't matter that there were other people around, his brain automatically zones out and all he could see was Jae.

It felt as if he was finally home.

He could finally understand all his feelings that always made him feel weird and giddy. Honestly, he was over the moon at the realisation. Obviously he wasn't going to do something stupid like confess to Jae and get rejected, ensuing awkwardness within the band. He knew he didn't stand a chance, who was he when compared to someone like Jae? He was fine not tending to his throbbing heart if it'll make everybody happy in the long run.

He was thrilled with the thought of falling in love with Jae, the man that was much more than what you could see; the kindest person Wonpil know of.

Years back, he told Jae that he had not fallen in love before so it would be an interesting experience for him. The experience of being in love with Jae.

Walking out to the living room of their shared dorm, he noticed Jae on the couch with his legs propped up on the coffee table, watching a movie on their TV. The other members had their own schedules, Dowoon with drum practice, the usual, while Younghyun and Sungjin were busy at their company's main building; trying to get an approval for this month's title track.

"Hyung."

Jae doesn't answer Wonpil, only sparing a glance at him before looking back at the wide screen in front of him. Wonpil took it as a sign that he wasn't barging in on anything and proceeded to take a seat beside Jae on the couch. After staring at Jae instead of the movie in front of him for a good minute or two—poking at Jae every so often—he asked.

"Is the movie any good?"

Jae smirked while giving a little shrug, "It's pretty good. I'm willing to bet you'll even cry at the end of this,"

"Are you challenging me, Jaehyungie-hyung?" Wonpil exclaimed with a fake gasp and a hand touching his chest in mock as an exaggeration. Jae let out a loud laugh at him for being dramatic.

"Sure, Wonpil. Winner wins rights to your laptop for a month."

"What?! That's not fair," Wonpil whined.

Why should he fight for the rights to _his_ own laptop? Sure, Jae had been wanting to get a computer or a laptop for a long while now to play a bunch of online FPS games and Wonpil had been lending his laptop to Jae graciously every now and then because he was a great friend like that—definitely not because he wants an excuse to bother Jae—but that doesn't mean he is willing enough to give up the rights to his laptop for an entire month. Just, no way.

Jae will get to use his laptop unsupervised if he loses, which spells trouble to Wonpil. There are some things best not found in the depths of that godforsaken laptop.

"Oh? Are you backing down, Kim Won _pil_?" Jae challenged once more with a quirk of an eyebrow, smirk still present on his lips. The gaze Jae gave him was intense; unwavering and determined. The way Jae emphasised the last syllable of Wonpil's name to make it sound more provoking had made a cold shiver ran down his spine but he ignored it with a gulp, feeling the beginnings of sweat forming at his back.

“I mean, there’s not much benefit for _me_ if I win.” Lips jutting out in a pout as he huffed.

“Oh fine! How about, if you win, I’ll be more accepting of your hugs for a month?”

Wonpil gasped when he heard the offer Jae was proposing. _Hugs for a month? And it’s with Jae? Oh my god._ He’s definitely winning this challenge.

Lips tugging into a wide bright smile that showed his teeth before yelling out a loud, “Deal!”

* * *

Jae won by a landslide.

“You’re so ugly when you're crying, Pillie.” Jae said with a stuffy voice over the ending song.

Wonpil's entire face was scrunched—trying to keep the tears from coming out—while trying to conceal his sniffles with his hands. Clearing his throat, he answered Jae, “Like you’re any better, Jaehyungie-hyung.”

“What do you mean? Obviously you’re the uglier crier. Not to mention, you started crying the moment he sat down and played the piano!” Letting out a poorly hidden sniffle before retorting back. Jae was using the sleeve of his sweatshirt to wipe the tears forming.

"And you didn't? Hyung, the way he went on stage while she was undergoing surgery. And his monologue? I—“ Choked up on tears, he cut himself off before he started full on sobbing.

“I did get emotional during those scenes but I only really started feeling it when he received a letter that was written by her.”

The light coming from the TV screen was bright enough for Wonpil to see Jae’s facial features. Jae turned to face him, eyes rimmed with a tinge of red from the excessive rubbing with his hands and sleeves. Wonpil can’t help but stare without a hint of shame, eyes trailing down to note that Jae’s lips too had been reddening from biting down on them to prevent sobs from slipping out.

_How beautiful._

“Anyways, this means I’ll get your laptop for a month. I'll tell you when I want to start using my rights.” He grinned and Wonpil was a goner.

He heaved a sigh with a smile ghosting his lips, “Fine, Jaehyungie-hyung. I promised you after all.”

* * *

_They exchanged letters as a form of courtship, a month before their actual marriage—love letters, to be precise. It was suggested by their fathers, the respective kings of their kingdoms, to get to know each other through paragraphs of words and to be enamoured—perhaps even fall in love—by the way the words articulate with each other, weaving through each sentence to form a beautiful piece of art._

_Initially, his father had offered to hire someone to write his letters in his stead but Wonpil rejected the offer. He felt that he would be lying to Princess Layla if he had done so. He doesn’t like lies and deceits after all. The idea of it is a form of escape from the cold hard truth. He hates lying but he condones the act of lying for good will. Just like his lies to himself for this whole arrangement._

_So, Wonpil wrote poems for the princess. He tried his best, at least. He was no poet nor was he very good at building a castle of flowery words but he tried nonetheless. He even went through the lengths of studying romantic symbols at their castle’s library. This went on for about three weeks until, all of a sudden, the contents of the letters changed._

_That morning, he was just sitting by their castle’s beautiful garden space, soaking in the warm sunlight on his skin. Watching the colourful flowers swaying on their branches, he smiled at them. Spring was in full bloom._

_The letter had arrived earlier than the estimated date of arrival. He found it a little strange since the letters were never this early but didn’t give it that much of a thought as he took the sealed letter into his hands, cutting it open with a tiny blade and pulling the folded paper out of the envelope._

_‘Dear Prince Wonpil,_

_Our marriage ceremony is in a week. It has not been long since I got to know you but I could tell that you have a kind and sweet heart that deserves to be loved the right way from the days we got to know each other. But, I don’t have the rights and means to do so._

_This may sound selfish and crude of me but I am in love with another man. For a long time now, much like you. Very deeply in love. It pains me to marry another man in place of him; for my kingdom. I had tried to accept this fate for the past few weeks now but I just couldn’t. I don’t know how you could hurt your heart to do so but I don’t want to find out for the sake of protecting my own._

_As I write my last letter to you, I am in the midst of my plans to run away from my kingdom, with him by my side. I wanted you to know and I hope you would keep it a secret. The least I could do as your arranged marriage partner is to let you know before the chaos arises._

_With love, Layla.’_

_Wonpil stared at the words written on the letter. Princess Layla was more than wise enough to make her own choices and she definitely made this one with her own will. He knew that she was never the type to back down from what she wants, unlike Wonpil. He only wished she had told him sooner. Maybe he could have convinced his father to find other ways to establish their alliance._

_It was too late now._

_He gave the letter one last look before folding and placing it back into the envelope. As he was folding the letter, he noticed the small writing of words on the back of it._

_'P.S. I loved all the letters you have sent me. They were written with a lot of thought. I hope you can send them to the right person next time.'_

_He could feel his face blushing, the heat creeping onto his cheeks and ears. He was amazed at how open Princess Layla was about his feelings for a certain knight. Wonpil shoved the letter into the envelope and quickly hid it amongst his pile of other letters in the box._

_"Your Highness, are you alright?"_

_Speak of the devil and he shall appear._

_"Yes! Everything is fine. Nothing happened." His timing was impeccable as always; always in time to catch him flustered._

_"Are you sure? Pardon me, Your Highness, but your face looks a little too red." He raised his hand in an attempt to caress Wonpil's reddening cheeks, voice laced with concern._

_"Yes, I’m sure!" Wonpil stood from his seat—avoiding his touch—and walked towards the biggest tree in the garden, fanning his cheeks out to cool off his blush._

_The knight does not follow him—only standing still, watching him from a distance._

_If only Wonpil was brave enough to close it._

* * *

"Wonpil-ah! Want some pizza?" Younghyun spoke with his mouth full, lifting a slice to Wonpil as an offering.

He stared at the slice of pizza, wrinkling his nose in disgust, before directing a frown to Younghyun. "Is that still even edible?"

The set was covered with smoke and tiny shards of glass from the explosions for the filming of their latest music video. They were already finished with filming for the day so they stayed behind to help the staff clean up the mess. In Younghyun's case, eating up the leftovers.

"Of course! The staff gave them to me. It's not the same one that was on the table covered with broken glass pieces," He answered after taking a big bite of his own pizza slice while his other hand still holding a slice to Wonpil's direction.

"Kang Bra, stop talking with your mouth full. Swallow first then talk," Sungjin said as he took the slice of pizza that was offered to Wonpil from Younghyun's hand.

Younghyun eyes widened at Sungjin. He quickly chewed and swallowed down his pizza as fast as he could before scolding Sungjin. "Hey! That slice is for Wonpillie."

Wonpil just shook his head and told them that it was fine because he didn't have the appetite for anything right now anyway. Leaving the pair to eat their pizza in peace, he walked over to the messy table at the back of the set. He picked up the big glass shards littered all over the table using his bare hands, placing them onto a sheet of newspaper to be thrown out later. He did it with caution to avoid injuring his fingers—they were an important asset to the band after all.

Focused on his task, he didn't hear when someone repeatedly called out to him.

"Hey, Wonpillie. Can you hear me?"

A large hand emerged in front of him, waving repeatedly to catch his attention. Surprised, he knocked his knuckles on the surface of the table with a slide. He winced as he felt the draw of blood from his knuckles and let out a soft hiss. Wonpil turned to glare at the intruder interrupting his steady and focused work, ready to give him a piece of his mind.

The intruder turned out to be the person he had always laid his eyes upon known as Park Jaehyung and maybe Wonpil will let it slide for today as the words die on his tongue.

"Shit Pillie, you're bleeding!" Jae exclaimed, grabbing his injured hand and caressing it with his long delicate fingers—inspecting the cut. He was barely paying attention to his injury at this point, staring wide-eyed at Jae. He looked up to meet Wonpil's gaze, eyes filled with panic as apologies tumbled out of his mouth, "I'm so sorry, Pil."

"It's fine, Jaehyungie-hyung. It's just a small cut, it doesn't hurt that much." Wonpil said with a shrug.

"No no no. It's not fine. It could get infected and it'll—" Jae cut his sentence short, cradling Wonpil's hands with his own larger ones before he pulled him away from the set and said, "Just come with me."

Jae pulled him by his uninjured hand to the vacant seat near the filming equipment. He forced Wonpil to sit on the plastic chair, pushing him down by the shoulders. "Wait here," he said, leaving Wonpil in a state of confusion as Jae ran off.

He stared at his injured hand. It really didn't hurt that bad. The blood was already beginning to clot and dry, a scab forming as a result. Jae was just overreacting.

He played with the protruding skin from his knuckles that was the result of the cut with his index finger, being very careful not to touch the drying blood. It took much longer before Jae finally came back from wherever he went with a white box in hand and a red cross painted on it.

Kneeling down in front of him, Jae placed the plastic box down at his side and plucked his injured hand gently from his lap. He rinsed the wound clean with a bottle of water, dabbing it dry with a soft towel afterwards. While Jae was cleaning his wound, Wonpil stared at the crown of Jae's head, baby blue streaks caressing the shape of his head. He briefly remembered the episode of them dyeing their hair together at the salon.

Jae's hair wasn't supposed to be blue. It wasn't part of the concept. They were supposed to be all grungy, dark and dangerous looking. And Jae was so determined on making Wonpil dye his hair dark red for the concept. He told him that he would look perfect for the vibe they were looking for in the next album.

Wonpil was reluctant, only because it would just make him stand out weirdly on the album cover as the other members had colours that were much darker or natural like black or brown. Jae, the stubborn man he was, suggested that if Wonpil were to dye his hair dark red, he himself would dye his hair light blue as a contrast to his dark red. That was how they ended up with the colour they have on now.

The blue streaks fall into Jae's eyes that blinked every so often as the strands poke into them, focused on getting the job done. It was a surprise that Jae managed to pull off the baby blue hair look. An amazing feat because he actually looked good with that colour—beautiful and very angel-like. He thought Jae was just joking to get Wonpil to dye his hair red but he kept his word as he accompanied Wonpil to the salon. He really was a kind person that deserved only the best. Wonpil was glad that he fell in love with such a person.

He was brought out of his thoughts as a hiss escaped his throat from the sting of the antiseptic solution on his wound. The solution stung his wound like it was set aflame, burning into his skin. Jae hushed him with reassuring words as he continued his work very meticulously. "It'll be okay, Pil. Just a little more," Jae mumbled underneath his breath, pressing a soaked cotton of antiseptic onto the length of the wound softly. His plump lips pressed in a firm line as he threw the cotton away, closing the glass bottle of antiseptic and pulling out a roll of white bandage from the plastic box.

He watched as Jae wrapped up his hand with the bandage. He felt like there was silence surrounding them even when he could clearly hear the occasional chatter from the staff members around them in the background. The tension in the air thick from the quietness by the two.

Jae was the first to break it with a lecture. "Be more careful next time, Wonpillie." He pulled the bandages tight but loose enough for comfort but it still made Wonpil winced.

He pouted. "It wasn't my fault that my hand got scratched. You came to me out of nowhere, hyung."

He clipped on the clips for the bandages, pressing on them to secure them tightly. "I know, and I'm really sorry about that," Jae said sheepishly, still holding onto Wonpil's now bandaged hand. "But, it still wouldn't have happened if you were aware of your surroundings. I called for you for a while but you never responded so I had to do what I did."

Wonpil was about to refute the man—to tell him that he was just focused on the task so it was natural to not be aware of anything else—until Jae spoke up again, eyes gazing with his own and his breath was taken away by those soft and mesmerising eyes that Jae possessed. How was it possible to fall deeper in love with this man? Wonpil doesn’t know the answer, not when he’s already in too deep.

"There, all cleaned and wrapped," Jae said, patting the top of the bandages gently and a faint smile embracing his lips. Before Wonpil could reciprocate the smile with his own—god knows he couldn't resist smiling along with their lead guitarist—Jae dipped his head down, bringing the bandaged hand towards him with a pull. He pressed a kiss onto the back of his hand, where the bandage was. Wonpil could barely feel it but it made his heart leapt all the same.

"My mom used to do this all the time after helping me with my wounds. Always made the pain more bearable after."

A vision of a young blond boy appeared in his mind. Smiling cheekily at him just like the man in front of him.

The tug at the corners of Jae's lips lifting into a full-fledged smile, eyes twinkling with warmth and everything started to hurt.

Wonpil blinked his eyes, the young boy in his mind disappeared as he stared closely at the man in front of him. His heart throbbed at the sight of him. His fingers quivering as his head pounded with a fear of it exploding. The pain so familiar yet all the more different.

All Wonpil wanted to do at that moment was to curl up into a ball and hug himself to sleep with his fluffy blanket cradling him, as if it’ll protect him from all the pain.

His brain felt fuzzy, a flurry of blurred visions entering his mind.

_"Jaehyung-ah, take His Highness away from the castle before it is too late." They could hear the sound of soldiers marching in the background._

What is this image? Who said that?

_"Pil, no!"_

His eyes stung and his headache took a turn for the worst as he struggled to keep his balance.

It hurts, it hurts, _it hurts._

He dropped down to his knees, letting out a soft cry of pain before his mind consumed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes they're lowkey watching shigatsu wa kimi no uso / your lie in april together :>


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please proceed with caution! this chapter is one of the heavier ones so take note of the warnings TT
> 
> this chapter has the following trigger warnings! : blood , violence , descriptions of death , minor character death (for past life)

"You wanted to see me, dad?"

Wonpil had finished his task of sorting out important documents at the archive room and was about to go on a walk at their beautiful flower garden for his much needed break—the smell of the flowery breeze always managed to soothe him from a tiring day—when he heard the sound of a familiar voice from a distance.

"Jaehyung-ah," a gruff voice—whom Wonpil assumed belonged to Jae's father, the commander of their main platoon in the kingdom—said. He turned the corner and spotted the two standing face to face with each other along the castle's corridor.

Jae, the tall and lanky man with sunlight treading through his blond locks, wearing the casual knight uniform for day patrols and his father, wearing the more formal and heavier uniform with facial features that resembled Jae's. The atmosphere surrounding them was tense, making them hard to approach. He hid himself behind the pillar, not wanting to interrupt their seemingly serious conversation. Just as Wonpil was about to walk away from the two out of respect, the gruff voice continued to speak.

"Take His Highness away from the castle before it is too late."

"Prince Wonpil? Why? What's happening?"

Wonpil didn't mean to eavesdrop on their conversation. But, the moment he heard his name, his feet stopped mid-track, leaning towards the pillar to hear more; curiosity getting the better of him. Before Jae's father could answer his son's question, they heard the loud sound of the metal gate being opened and the marching of soldiers that followed after. They both glanced at the direction of the sound before turning back to face each other.

"These are direct orders from His Majesty himself. He wrote a letter for the two of you pertaining to the situation and asked the both of you to leave this place as soon as possible,"

"Now?"

"That would be ideal. I'll leave this matter to you, Jaehyung. Keep him safe."

Wonpil didn't look to see them share one last hug before the older knight left for the front gate because he was already leaving the corridor with confusion riddled all over his face. Running back to his chambers, he heard the sound of soldiers' marching getting louder and louder.

_What is happening? Did a fight broke out?_ It wasn't unusual for neighbouring countries to start one here and there with their kingdom but, with this many soldiers? They even received orders from the king himself to escape.

_Unless.._

He pushed the door open with more force than necessary before commencing his search for the box he kept all the letters he received from Princess Layla in. The small wooden box was hidden under his pile of documents in the drawer. Pulling the box out of its confines, he opened the box—a soft creak emitted from the hinges—and dumped all the contents of the box out onto the floor. His hands searched through the letters that were scattered messily all over the floor and finally found the last letter that Princess Layla had sent him.

His hands fumbled with the letter, trying to unfold them in a hurry.

' _As I write my last letter to you, I am in the midst of my plans to run away from my kingdom, with him by my side. I wanted you to know and I hope you would keep it a secret. The least I could do as your arranged marriage partner is to let you know before the chaos arises.'_

_Chaos. Is this the reason behind all the commotion? The west kingdom?_ _I got a bad feeling about this._

Wonpil heard a knock at the door followed by a muffled, "Your Highness?"

"Come in," He said, refolding the letter and placing it back into its envelope.

The door creaked open, revealing his knight, now equipped with some light-weight armour over his uniform and a sword by his side.

"Just received orders from the king to leave the castle at once. Pack only the things that are important to you," Jae said, hands by his side as he stared down at Wonpil. It looked as if he had hardened his resolve along with his heart. His expression was dazed and it worried Wonpil but now’s not the right time to think about it.

In a small brown canvas bag, he only took his photo album, journal and a pen. These were the only items that really held any importance in his room. Everything else could be replaced. "Don't you need to pack too, Jae?" Wonpil asked, peering at him curiously as he secured his bag with the metal buckles (not before slipping the letter into his bag obscurely).

"All done. I just have to bring myself and some food supplies, after all, my number one priority is keeping you safe, Pil." Jae said with a smug smile that made his stomach do flip flops and hands at his hips in a proud gesture. Wonpil had to bite on his lips to stop himself from smiling at the other. The Jae he knows is still here; playful and witty. Maybe it’s all in his head then.

"Ready to go?" Jae's voice startled him out of his thoughts, standing close to Wonpil while offering to hold his bag—in which Wonpil declined because he was a grown man that could hold and carry his own bag. He doesn't need Jae to baby him, he's not the same 8 year old boy that cries over tripping down to the ground and scraping his knee anymore.

Wonpil nodded as a response to his question, taking one final look at his room before following Jae to their escape route. He tried not to think about the words from the letter.

When they exited the castle, a merchant was waiting with a wooden carriage. They were to ride in it to the borders of the kingdom. Wonpil couldn’t see how the merchant looked like as they were wearing a cloak, the hood draped around the merchant’s head, but he figured it wouldn’t really matter much.

“I’m sorry if it gets a little uncomfortable during the ride later, Your Highness.”

Wonpil shrugged off the deep voice that was heavy with a familiar accent, giving a small smile to reassure the merchant that it was fine. The both of them got onto the carriage and tried to make themselves comfortable for the long ride.

The moment they began moving away from the castle, the dreadful feeling was slowly crawling back into his mind. The word stuck in his head: chaos. What did Layla mean by that? The more he thought about it, the more anxious he became. His head was circling around the fear about it being the worst-case scenario. He doesn’t even want to imagine it.

_No. Stop thinking about it. Come on Wonpil, get a grip. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence._

Wonpil willed himself to stop thinking about those words written in dainty handwriting. Heaving a long sigh as his shoulders visibly relaxed. _It’s been a long day._ His eyelids drooping as the fatigue finally caught up with him.

* * *

“Mom, where are we going?” Wonpil’s tiny fingers wrapped around her bigger ones, wide eyes looking up at her. She smiled at him sweetly, replying with a, “You’ll find out soon, sweetheart,” before humming a soft melody like she always does during their walk to the market.

Except they weren’t going to the market this time. Wonpil knew that by now, judging from the buildings they passed by earlier. He had memorised the landmarks for the way to the market and the path to wherever they were heading now definitely looked foreign to him. He clutched his hand tighter around his mother’s. She simply chuckled at him.

Not long after, when they finally stopped in their tracks, Wonpil looked up to see a large metal gate right before his eyes and a tall, majestic castle behind it. A stark difference from the homey and cosy wooden house they own. Wonpil’s eyes glitter at the beautiful sight, mouth forming a large ‘O’ shape and letting out an amazed noise. The gates open with a loud clang as the guards accompanied them into the castle.

His eyes couldn’t stop roaming around the interior of the castle as they walked through countless of hallways. Every little detail in the castle was beautiful. The walls were pearly white with golden decorations painted onto them. Paintings and statues beautifully crafted decorated the rooms.

But, the one that awed Wonpil the most and became a treasured sight in his memory was the castle’s flower garden.

So many different kinds of beautiful and colourful flowers at every corner of the garden. The hedges and trees skilfully shaped lining along the edge of the compound. The flowery breeze enticing Wonpil to come closer and bask in all of its glory. He took a step forward but was immediately stopped.

His mother pulled him by his hand before he could run off. Wonpil whined.

“Sweetie, you can go take a look at the garden later, alright?”

Puffing his cheeks and pouting his lips he accepted his defeat as his mother dragged him away.

* * *

The carriage stopped moving abruptly. The sound of horses neighing from being halted woke Wonpil up from his dream.

“Where are we now? Have we reached the borders?” Wonpil asked groggily, rubbing his eyes awake.

Jae stood up from his seat across Wonpil, getting out of the carriage. He extended a hand towards Wonpil to help him out. Wonpil took his offer, eyes still bleary with sleep as he stepped out of the carriage carefully.

“We haven’t reached it yet. We’re taking a short break for the horses and a toilet break if needed,” Jae said.

Wonpil just nodded, stretching his limbs out to wake his body up from the uncomfortable position he was in once he got out of the carriage, taking a deep breath of the fresh air around him.

There wasn’t much at the place they were at, trees covering the whole area at every corner and beyond their view. They were at a tiny clearing of the forest, near a lake where the horses were drinking from. It was calming to say the least. Though the sky looked as if it was on the verge of crying, with dark clouds covering the beautiful bright blue turning it into a dark grey.

“Here,” said Jae as he handed him a sealed letter.

He felt his blood ran cold. What is this eerie feeling? Everything won’t lead up to whatever he was thinking of, right? It’s just a bunch of random occurrences happening all at the same time for

Wonpil accepted the letter and tore it open, feeling the weight of his bag becoming increasingly heavier, the presence of Layla’s letter burning his left thigh over where his bag was.

The neatly folded paper inside of the envelope was something he had seen before. It was always by the side of the king’s sleeping chamber; at the main work desk where his father would do the necessary paperwork needed to uphold their kingdom.

The increasingly dreadful feeling filled the bottom of his stomach as his breathing became harder.

His fingers trembled as he opened the letter.

* * *

Wonpil knew his mother was sick. She never hid it from him. Always smiling and telling him everything and anything about herself. She’d sometimes tell him old tales that were passed down in their family. He always enjoyed that fun little activity they shared every week or so at their tiny garden.

So, it was a surprise when she finally introduced to him who his father was. Who wouldn’t be when their father is literally the king of their kingdom? The only thing his mother had told him during those days in their small little garden was his father’s personality.

“Is that him?” The king spoke with an air of superiority and grace, very fitting of a king.

His mother smiled. A different smile from what she usually shows Wonpil.

Wonpil decides he likes this smile. He prefers his mom’s current smile over every other smile she has shown him throughout his entire life. Something about it just screams affection to him.

“Yes, Your Majesty,” his mother said stiffly. It sounded as if she wasn’t used to calling the king that title, but he might be wrong because he was only a child then. “Pil, baby, why don’t you introduce yourself to your father?”

Wonpil continued staring at the man with wide eyes, blinking them every so often.

“H-Hello..” he started off shyly, hiding behind his mother’s skirt with only the top of his head peeking at the sides.

The older man chuckled deeply, ushering him to continue with welcoming hand gestures.

Gripping on his mother’s skirt a little harder, Wonpil struggled to speak his next words. “I’m W-Wonpil. I-I’m turning 7 this year.”

The king gave a wide smile and something tells Wonpil that his own smile resembled his from the way his mother always gave him one of the best smiles whenever she looks at Wonpil smiling.

“He’s a beautiful and sweet child. It’s not every day you get to see a shy one amongst these rambunctious bunch we have around the castle.” The king said with a hearty laugh, to which he was given a side-eye by his guard who was standing beside him and cleared his throat in response.

Regaining back his composure, the king assumed a serious face, raising the tension in the atmosphere around the room.

“Did you tell him?” The words came out bitter embraced with a slight sadness. It was spoken softly, like a delicate subject was at hand. His mother’s smile never faltered, giving a nod as she pressed a hand onto Wonpil’s back; reassuring him with gentle touches. But Wonpil was too young to understand the context of their conversation. He couldn’t understand what the king was trying to imply.

Shortly after, they were escorted away from the throne room to another room at the castle that will eventually become Wonpil’s sleeping chambers in the near future.

Thinking about it now, his father was probably referring to his mother’s sickness. His sickly mother who was the most important person in his life. All throughout it, they shared that tiny wooden shed house in which they lived in. She raised him alone for as long as he could remember.

He was extremely grateful for her, even if she was no longer able to share those tiny snippets of her life with him anymore.

* * *

The letter was filled with many things Wonpil wished wasn’t on it.

Every sentence he read from the letter made his head spin and his stomach fell. He felt tears welling up in him but he held them in, he didn’t want to overreact. It wasn’t a very elaborated letter filled with flowery words like how his letters to Layla were. Instead, it was straight to the point with only a pinch of formality required for a letter.

The letter—that was lined with gold at the edge of the paper—had told him everything he needed to know. As Wonpil initially suspected, the main cause of everything that was happening right now was the west kingdom. Soldiers in files, just within the castle’s sight, ready to ambush when given the command. The negotiations had failed, read the letter.

The letter also told him the reason for Wonpil's escape; only him and no one else (not even his older brothers).

The king had phrased it as such: _we can’t let an outsider fight our battle_. But Wonpil knew the underlying meaning behind those words. Living in the castle for several years now, he had learned his father’s love language, albeit with a little help from his late mother’s diary.

The gruff old man whom everyone in their kingdom calls as king, was rough with everything he did. He often spoke in a straightforward manner that people tend to misunderstand. What they don’t know is the nice and warm smiles he always let out around the castle.

They don’t know that the king personally goes to the castle’s precious flower garden to water them every now and then and they definitely don’t know how big of a softie he was towards his children.

So, when he had first read the letter, the words written in blue ink staring right back at him had Wonpil raging.

The king was planning to sacrifice his life for his. To let Wonpil escape and start anew, maybe this time with someone he truly loves.

His fingers clenched the paper hard, crumpling it with creases in the process. Wonpil won’t accept the path his father had left for him. He didn’t want to continue living at the expense of someone else’s.

“I have to go back,” Wonpil muttered, vision still hovered over the very words that had him seething with anger.

“What?”

“I have to go back, Jae. Father, he—” His unsteady breath halted his phrase of words from coming out. Taking a deep breath while looking up with frantic eyes at Jae, he turned towards the horses.

He took a step forward towards that direction, but Jae was quicker, effectively blocking his path.

“Move aside, Jae.”

“No.”

Their eyes trained on each other. Wonpil was shaking, panic evident in his eyes while Jae was stoic, staring Wonpil down as if to tell him nothing would budge him from this spot. The anger from before slowly turned to fear. Cold sweat forming at his back. The crumpled letter sat limp in Wonpil’s hands, resting at the side of him.

He wanted to scream at Jae.

To tell him to move aside but his voice was lost in his throat and his eyes stinging with tears as the panic seeped into his bones. He doesn’t trust his voice to do him justice.

Jae, on the other hand, let out a reprimanding tone, asking Wonpil, “What would you even do when you get back?”

“I..” Wonpil trailed off, biting back his lips when he couldn’t think of anything as a response to that. The silence lingered in the air, surrounding them both, accompanied with only the sounds of the blowing wind rustling the leaves at its wake.

“I thought so.” Jae said, his gaze on Wonpil turning cold. It made him miss the fond look of warmth Jae often gives. The crinkling smiles and laughter. The one that always made him fall a little deeper in love.

“You wouldn’t know that if I never tried..” Wonpil mumbled softly underneath his breath and instantly regrets the words that left his mouth as he saw the intensity of Jae’s stare flaring up.

“Alright, then let’s say you _do_ try. How would you even get there without my help? You don’t even know how to ride a horse and I won’t help you because I am definitely against this. His Majesty had ordered me to bring you away from the castle.” Wonpil could hear Jae’s voice laced with hurt and he struggled to piece together _why_.

Why would Jae be hurt from him going back?

“I’ll figure out somehow! I may not look like it but I’m pretty good at running long distance. We’re not that far off from the castle.” His reasoning was ridiculous and desperate. What else was he supposed to say?

Jae was about to let out another onslaught of arguments to Wonpil until, the merchant emerged in between, palms held out towards the both of them.

“Look, I don’t mean to intrude but this argument is getting ugly and petty,” said the merchant, facing Jae’s direction. There’s something soothing about the merchant’s voice that lulls the fear within Wonpil. Nostalgia flooding his senses instead of the rattling of his nerves. Jae just scoffed, saying nothing in response.

When the merchant turned to meet eyes with Wonpil’s, he was immediately enthralled with the beautiful sight. Those eyes held the galaxies in them. Twinkling stars were held captive within. Beautiful eyes.

It reminded him of his mother’s eyes.

The wrinkles on the merchant’s forehead deepened, eyebrows scrunching together as he thought deeply.

“Your Highness,” the merchant finally said, pulling down the hood of the cloak, revealing his lowly tied ponytail. Wonpil stared blankly at the much older man before him.

“May I know why you are that adamant on going back to the castle?” The man questioned.

Wonpil bit his lips but refused to pull his eyes away from the intense stare. “A war might be brewing.”

The merchant’s stare softened, speaking softly, “Knowing that, you still want to go back?

The words hung in the air in silence.

Wonpil’s eyes hurt from the dryness of not blinking. A prickling sensation just right behind it from the tears. Too afraid to blink; afraid that the tears would roll down if he did. He didn’t want to answer the man because he knew his voice would tremble from the emotions that were brought up from the man’s tone of voice.

“I don’t want to lose my family again,” Wonpil choked out.

“I see,” the merchant said with finality. He turned to his carriage, walking towards the horses. Wonpil felt a crushing sense of defeat. Is he going to watch his loved ones die again? The endless cycle of knowing but pretending? Pretending to be someone who knows no suffering? Someone who is always strong-willed and smiling?

“Get on.”

Wonpil looked at the man with a puzzled expression, to which the merchant chuckled at.

“Come on now, we don’t have time to waste. If we leave now, we can reach the castle right before the sun sets.”

An unexpected turn of events. Wonpil was shocked to see the merchant siding with him. _Does he not know that he would be defying the king’s orders? Is he not scared?_

Turning to meet with the merchant’s gaze, he noticed the tenderness from it. Small smile playing on his lips that even Wonpil felt reassured. He left the questions in his head, deciding to trust the merchant’s decision.

He whispered a soft ‘thank you’ before getting in the carriage.

“What about you, Mr Knight? What are you going to do?”

Jae sighed, ruffling his own hair with his hand in distress before hopping in the carriage too. It didn’t take too long before they were moving again, in the opposite direction from where they were initially headed. He doesn’t meet eyes with Jae, choosing to look at the swirls of the wood as if it was the most interesting thing he had ever laid his eyes on.

A sharp knock startled Wonpil from his staring battle with the wooden walls of the carriage. Looking up, he saw Jae knocking at the front, garnering the merchant’s attention to him. “It’ll take forever if you’re going to use the same path back to the castle. Take the road straight down this path and head east at the intersection, it’s much faster,” Jae grumbled.

Wonpil looked at him owlishly, eyes wide open; unblinking.

“What?” Jae asked.

“No, nothing,” Wonpil answered, amused.

“Just to be clear, I’m only tagging along to show you the shortcut. I’m still against this, Pil.”

At that, Wonpil smiled sweetly, cheeks hurting from the wideness of it. He covered the smile with the back of his hand. _How endearing can this man get?_

“Sure, Mr Knight. Whatever you say,” the merchant said, letting out a loud hearty laugh.

* * *

Heavy gasps of breaths filled the space. _They saw us._ Running past bushes and trees, the noisy sound of the rustling leaves as they pass by them. The air kissing their face as they avoid the tree branches.

_“Take care, Your Highness,” The merchant said, taking both of Wonpil’s hand into his own. Twinkling eyes with a small smile. Wonpil smiled as well, squeezing their hands together._

_“Thank you, again.”_

_Wonpil waved one final goodbye to the older man before walking towards the carriage to gather his belongings._

_“I hope you would be able to protect your family this time, Wonpil,” The merchant whispered softly to himself, eyes lingering on his small back._

_“You sure you’re okay with not telling him, Sungjin?” asked the knight. He was resting a hand on the hilt of his sword as he watched over Wonpil from beside the merchant._

_“It’s fine. I’m really glad he grew up well. My sister would be too. Her biggest regret was leaving him to grow up all alone in that big ol’ castle before he could stand on his own.” Sungjin turned to face Jae. Their eyes locked with each other before Sungjin gave a goodnatured pat on his shoulder._

“Stop right there!” A voice shouted from behind them. They didn’t turn back, running full speed ahead without so much as a second thought. The situation didn’t look good.

“Jae—“ Wonpil said, out of breath, trying his best not to trip over fallen branches scattered on the ground.

Jae didn’t respond, instead, his grasp on Wonpil’s arm tightened, pulling him as they run.

They were so close. A little further and the castle would be in sight. If only they weren’t spotted by the enemy’s scout. They should’ve been more careful. Their only line of defence was Jae’s sword, but the enemy had managed to parry it away which left them with no choice but to run away.

It was getting harder to breathe. Pants coming out heavy and limbs staggering to get away. Wonpil wanted to see his family one last time, was that so much to ask for?

Wonpil heard an addition of footsteps from behind him. The crunching sounds of the leaves on the ground were a huge dead giveaway. _How many people were chasing after them?_

“Don’t look back, Your Highness.”

Wonpil snapped to the front in attention, eyes trained on the swirl of blonde hair at the back of Jae’s head. He clutched the bag firmly onto his chest.

They could finally see the ending of the forest, the last open field they had to cross before reaching the castle. The sunlight was shining through the leaves, illuminating their path. They were finally reaching home. Just a little more.

His eyes focused on the bright path, running towards it as if it was the last glimmering hope they had left.

“Just keep running. We’re almost there,” Jae said with that soft and encouraging voice of his. Wonpil wouldn’t have enough words to describe how much he trusts and loves this man.

So, he ran with all his might; finally stepping out into the clearing. The air there felt so comforting as he took a deep. He was finally home.

When he turned to beam at Jae with one of his bright smiles at the sight of being home, he realised that the knight was no longer by his side. _Where’s Jae?_ The uncomfortable feeling edges his mind.

He looked around while slowing his steps. He must’ve outrun Jae at the end of the path. That could only be the reason why Jae is not here beside him, right? The cold chill running down his spine told him otherwise.

“Jae..?” He asked aloud, voice trembling with fear that something might have happened to the knight.

Wonpil could feel the shake in his legs as he traced back his steps to the forest one at a time, eyes shifting around to find his knight.

“J-Jae?” Fear was starting to flood his senses. Tears were creeping up on him, but he refused to shed them. “Please, _please_ don’t do this to me.”

The trees surrounding him were swallowing him up, mocking him for being incompetent and lost. Everywhere he looked was the same, trees and leaves at every corner. Headache growing on him as he gulped down the uncomfortable feeling.

“Speak! Where did you hide the princess?!”

A loud voice boomed from the right of him. _Jae,_ was his only thought, repeatedly ringing in his mind as he followed the voice.

Jae held his own shoulder to stop the bleeding, hissing from the pain and the contact. The sight of the knight being injured had his heart sinking. The grip on his brown canvas bag strap slackened.

“Jae?” His voice wasn’t shaking anymore, eyes wide in disbelief at the sight before him. His hands fell to the side of him defeatedly.

Jae looked towards Wonpil’s direction when he heard his voice. “Wonpil, stay back!” Jae yelled.

His pleas were all for naught as it fell on deaf ears. Wonpil was slowly making his way to them, his legs staggering with each step. Before him lie Jae and two enemy guards, one with a sword pointed right at Jae’s throat, threatening to draw blood with the tip of the sword.

“No.. what are you doing?” Wonpil’s voice was calm and steady, but his face was void of any of those. His eyes blown wide open, staring at them incredulously.

“Would _you_ like to speak on his behalf, _Your Highness_?” The guard with the sword spoke, challenging him.

Wonpil shifted a little closer to Jae, eyes fixated against Jae’s cut. It’s not a very deep wound but its not a minor scratch either. Either way, it needs to get treated as soon as possible.

“Please stop this. Our kingdom had nothing to do with it.”

“Nothing to do with it?” The guard then scoffed, “I don’t believe you, Your Highness.”

With a nod in his direction, the other guard moved out from their spot behind. With a now withdrawn sword in hand, they inched closer to Wonpil.

“Because what you’re trying to tell me is that Princess Layla just ups and vanishes a few days before the supposed wedding? I’d say we would be more of a fool if your whole goddamn kingdom does not come under any suspicions before it reaches that conclusion.”

Wonpil bit his bottom lip in frustration. _Is there no other way?_

“What if—” He trailed off. He didn’t want to resort to this if he could help it. But, there’s nothing else he could’ve done. “—I showed you proof?”

Layla’s letter felt like dead weights in his bag, slowly dragging down on him to make its presence known to the world. Yes, lying and breaking promises were something that he despised the most but what else was he supposed to do?

Jae, the man who extended a hand to him whenever he fell, who shared the starry night together in peaceful silence, who took capture of his fragile heart, his everything, was in danger. He’s sure Layla would understand that. There were many occasions where Wonpil had personally witness how strong-willed the princess was. It would be fine.

Wonpil didn’t wait for a response, digging the letter out of his canvas bag and promptly shoving it into their face with it.

“Look at this sentence right here. She left on her own accord!” Wonpil defended.

The guard before him scanned the letter with their eyes for any potential threats before snatching it from Wonpil and bringing said letter to their partner.

“You scum of a prince,” The guard in front of Jae spat out, now with Layla’s letter in one of their hands. The guard from before, the one who snatched the letter away, was slowly inching closer to Wonpil.

"I can’t believe you are this shameless to lie and show us a fake letter right in front of our faces, Your Highness. It states here how Princess Layla had feelings for another which is the reason for her disappearance? Don’t make me laugh.”

“But, it’s the truth. Why would I lie to you? It even has your own kingdom’s seal on it!” Wonpil pleaded for them to understand but he could only see their anger flaring up the more he tries.

“Her Highness would never run away from her responsibilities without a valid reason, and being in love with another is not valid enough.”

The guard in front of Wonpil scoffed, adding on to their partner’s words, “It’s simple enough to forge a letter by mimicking her handwriting and our kingdom’s seal based on the letters the both of you exchanged.”

“And why would I do that? It would do more harm to me and my kingdom than it will to yours!” He’s shouting at this point. They’ve gone too far with this charade. Why can’t they believe him?

“That’s it, I’ve heard enough from you, Third Prince of the East Kingdom. It’s obvious we won’t get anything out of you anymore.” The guard makes a small hand motion towards Wonpil’s direction, “Dispose of him.”

The other guard nodded, sword sharp and shiny in the sky as they held onto it with conviction.

“Wait! Can’t we at least have a civil discussion about this? I don’t think jumping to conclusions will help our current situation!” Wonpil had his hands in the air now, slowly backing away, but that didn’t stop them from coming with a sword aimed at him.

“Farewell, Your Highness.”

Wonpil closed his eyes when he saw the motion of the sword whooshing downwards, hands reaching out to protect his head and chest from the attack.

_Is this where it all ends?_

It happened in a split of a second.

He was pushed to the side roughly, away from the line of attack. His eyes were still closed, only opening them when he realised he wasn’t in any pain. And when Wonpil did open them a few seconds after the realisation, he saw someone in front of him.

A familiar figure that could only belong to one person.

Jae.

_No, no, no—_

Jae fell with a thump onto his knees. The sound of blood dripping off the enemy’s sword and the reddening of his shirt were the only indicators that the knight was wounded from the attack. He choked out blood, leaving splatters in its wake. When the enemy pulled out their sword, he sank to the ground.

“Jae—” Wonpil called after him, hands reaching out to the injured knight in front of him. His words cut off from the immense pain he felt in his chest. The sharp pain was throbbing in him. He wanted to scream because of it but his voice lost in his throat. He could feel the tears filling the brim of his eyelids as the pain increases. _Just a little more,_ he whispered to himself in his thoughts as he reached out further to Jae.

The enemy, however, kicked him to the ground while pulling the sword out of him roughly—as if throwing him aside. The distance between him and Jae was still so close yet so far.

He watched as the guards tore Layla’s letter into pieces, scattering them into the air before disappearing into the forest as their job here was done. He could feel the warmness of his blood leaving him; a very large contrast to the coldness he’s feeling right now. In the end, nothing in Wonpil’s life ended in a success and it was all his own fault it turned out that way.

He turned himself over to face Jae’s body, surprised to find Jae staring right back at him. His hands were trying to reach out towards him again. This time, Jae too was reaching out towards him.

“..Jae,” Wonpil muttered out, hazy from the loss of blood. Their fingers touching and intertwining with the other.

Jae casted one last smile to his direction, eyes crinkling into crescents like they always do. He struggled to pull their quivering hands to his lips but he managed somehow with time. He pressed a feather of a kiss to Wonpil's knuckles, softly murmuring against them, "If only we had more time together."

Their hands dropped to the ground as the strength in Jae's hands were lost. He could feel the blood pooling around Jae's body, tears welling up in his eyes when he felt the other's warm blood soaking into his shirt's sleeve. He knew the older man was going to leave soon. Wonpil was not too far behind from following him either. He blinked the tears away.

_I love you._

_I'm sorry._

_It's all my fault._

_I'm sorry that I love you._

_Don't go._

Wonpil felt his life slipping away from him, barely hanging on pathetically. He mustered one last strength to lift his body up, taking a final look at his knight. An affectionate smile rising on his lips, remembering everything they did together. Stargazing under sleepless nights sharing a cup of warm chocolate in hand, Jae tending to his wounds because Wonpil was always ever curious and clumsy; tears gathering at his eyes as his vision blurred.

His hand was still holding onto Jae's hand, the latter’s larger hand over his own smaller ones. With one last squeeze, he let go of the hand that had protected him throughout his entire life.

_I don't have the right to love you._

The darkness enveloped him whole as he takes one last shuddering breath.

* * *

"—illie."

Wonpil felt his whole body rocking back and forth. Jae was shaking him with a worried expression on his face, crouched on the floor in front of him. His own eyes were wide open, tears rolling down his cheeks and onto his lap—leaving tracks of wet streaks.

"Wonpil, are you okay?"

_No._

_“If only we had more time together.”_

He glances down to his hands. The hands that ruined everything that he had loved and treasured. He never felt more disgusted with them.

_No, that can't be true._

He turned his head up to look Jae in the eye. Those beautiful dark eyes that always seem to cheer Wonpil up whenever he was feeling down. Providing him a source of comfort; a solace only for him.

_I don't deserve to be in love with you._

Jae's hand on his back was warm. "Is your wound hurting again?" said Jae as he pulled Wonpil's hand into his grasp once more, a tone of worry laced his words.

He flinched from the contact, quickly yanking his hand away with a strong pull. The look of shock and hurt on Jae's face was a devastating sight to see.

“Ah, it’s nothing, hyung! It’s just really smoky around here because of the explosives and stuff that it got into my eye.” A sheepish smile pulled on the edges of his lips. A smile of a liar.

Jae stayed silent for a few moments. Wonpil continued smiling under Jae’s watchful gaze, wiping away the last drops of tears as he prayed that his lie would go unnoticed.

“Alright.. If you say so, Wonpil.”

_I’m sorry._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's just!! so much!! that could be unpacked from their past life!! i had a lot of fun building it QWQ


	7. Chapter 7

Every time Wonpil closes his eyes, he relives those moments again and again. It’s beginning to feel like he’s stuck in an endless loop.

The soft murmurs of words and the warmth of blood on his fingertips still _linger_.

_Stop_ , he told himself. _I’ll forget about my love for Jae, just please stop._ But his mind rebelled, replaying the same scene over and over again—as if he wasn’t already reminded about his guilt enough.

He was brought back to the beginning, where the emptiness in his heart was prominent—ever since he started having those dreams. Wonpil now fully understood the reason behind the dreams and the emptiness that came with it, something he always wanted to know.

He wished it remained a mystery.

He wished the universe wasn’t so cruel. Why did they let him regain the memories of his past life? Did they want him to repent for all that he had done? Was it because of his ignorance? Was it because he fell in love with Jae again? To think he was considered lucky. Wonpil scoffed at that.

Everywhere he looked reminded him of his mistakes. _I did this. I was the one who brought my kingdom to its downfall. It was my fault my family was in danger. I lead Jae to his death._

Wonpil curled himself into a ball at the edge of his bed, wrapping the blankets closer to his body as he covered both his ears. He attempted to drown out the loud thoughts in his head but it wasn’t enough. It didn’t help when the noise got worse when he saw Jae at their band practice the next day, ringing endlessly.

Every smile Wonpil put on felt wrong. Every laugh he let out felt like he wasn’t being sincere enough. Like he wasn’t being true to himself. It’s been awhile since he felt that way.

Something inside him broke when he saw Jae’s smile. It used to give him comfort, something only Jae could do. It used to make him smile every time and cheer him up without fail. But now, seeing the warmness of Jae’s smile made him want to cry. The memories creeping up on him as the wounds on his knuckles stung. Who was he to take away that smile?

So, he started avoiding Jae.

It began with leaving right after practice to avoid being left alone with Jae in the room. Then, he exchanged places with Dowoon to sit more to the right side of the table during dinner, giving the excuse that the cuts on his hand hurt when he accidentally brushes against any of them. Wonpil also started spending more time in the studio alone, drowning the noise with the notes from the keyboard.

If someone were to ask him if he was doing okay, he wouldn’t be so sure what to answer. Was he doing okay? His mind a mess and his time goes awry, not knowing what else to do but to stand still.

What expression was showing on his face? Was it one of weary? Sleepless nights of falling into the depths of recollections piled up while he still wished for the peaceful silence they shared back then at the castle, tears of remembrance falling as he knew it was long gone.

He already realised from the start that he couldn’t keep running away. His members would find out eventually once he runs out of reasons. But for now, if he could put it off for as long as he can, he’s willing to do it.

It’s another night spent at the studio. Another night where he sings and he sings and he sings, until he loses the words to say. Until he tries no longer. Until he’s too tired to think about anything anymore. Another night where he pours his feelings into lyrics. Another night where his fingers tremble as he plays chords after chords on the keyboard.

It’s another one of those nights where he’s afraid to fall asleep. Afraid to dwell in the abyss of his dreams.

Wonpil was in a daze as his fingers played the notes. He’s staring at nothing again, his mind completely empty from thoughts. It’s a welcoming feeling.

“Wonpil?” a voice from behind him spoke. He turned to face the owner of the raspy voice, barely surprised that someone had intruded on his peace, greeting the bright sparkly eyes with his own dull and heavy-lidded ones from the lack of sleep. He already knew that the sun had risen long ago, the clock ticking on the wall being a huge indicator for Wonpil.

“Sungjin-hyung,” a small smile gracing his lips as he answered back.

Despite his smile, Wonpil himself knew he looked tired and ragged; wearing yesterday’s clothes with barely a wink of sleep in his system. Sungjin’s face remained impassive. He hadn’t said a single word after Wonpil turned around to face him. He’s not even squinting at Wonpil’s appearance in disgust yet, which is a miracle itself.

“Do you want to grab breakfast together?”

A question Wonpil was definitely not anticipating. A shocking turn of events. He had even prepared a million of excuses for the elephant in the room. Was Sungjin not the very least concerned for his wellbeing? There’s no way Sungjin would just let him go like this without a single round of questioning.

“..Sure,” he said with uncertainty, getting more conflicted the more he tries to think of a reason behind Sungjin’s lack of reaction. Without batting an eye at Wonpil, Sungjin turned and marched towards the door.

“Let’s go for a drive. I brought the car.”

* * *

The car ride to the café was a little quieter than their usual car rides. It was the same during their ride back. The music playing from Wonpil’s phone through the car speakers filled the silence. Like always, they opted to go for a café that was a little more out of the way; to enjoy the rides longer.

It was an unspoken rule in this routine of theirs.

Usually, Wonpil would fill the silence with almost anything that popped up in his mind while the music plays quietly in the background. Today, though, it seemed that the music was playing a little louder in his ears as Wonpil looked out of the window, his brain cluttered with things he wished could be swept under the rug.

Sungjin was quiet too. He doesn’t ask Wonpil to put on songs based on a certain mood like he usually does. Instead, he’s focused on driving; never sparing a glance to Wonpil’s direction (not even one out of concern).

The silence was suffocating, even if he could hear the soft music playing from behind them. The air was tense and prickly, he felt it too when they were eating pancakes while sipping on their cup of coffee at the café earlier. He doesn’t like this. Sungjin’s not saying anything to address the silence when he clearly knew something was up. _But why?_

“Sungjin-hyung.”

Sungjin hummed in response, eyes still glued to the road while he pulled on the breaks; the car coming to a stop before the traffic light as it turned red.

The question was stuck in his throat. Curiosity got the better of him when he called after Sungjin. Maybe he shouldn’t question it. But, how could he not when it’s just right there? Smack dab in the middle of his face but Sungjin was choosing to ignore it. _Why?_

“Why, hyung?” Wonpil finally blurted out as he turned to look at Sungjin, “Why aren’t you asking me anything?”

A low hum and a soft chuckle before Sungjin replied, “Did you want me to?”

“I—” The words die in his mouth, biting his lips close. Sungjin’s words ringing in his mind. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Sungjin anymore, turning his head to stare at his knuckles resting on his lap. The wounds were already starting to heal.

“It’s okay, Wonpil. We’ll always be here. Take your time.”

He blinked. A prickle of emotion reached his eyes. The vision before him blurred. Another blink and drops of water fell onto his knuckles. It slowly became similar to a downpour, drenching his knuckles and wetting his cheeks as he wipes them away with his sleeves.

“..Huh. That’s funny. I think the air conditioner is leaking, hyung.”

A soft rustling of fabric before the car engine started up again.

“You’re right, Wonpil-ah. I’ll get it checked next time.”

The music didn’t seem too loud anymore. The rays of sunlight finally felt warm on his skin.

But, when the wounds don’t hurt anymore, the tenderness of the kiss brought him back.

* * *

_The sun was shining. Even on a day where the sky was dull with dark grey clouds on the verge of crying and pouring down onto the earth. Even without its warm rays peeking out to brighten the sky. He could still see the sun shining._

_He was worried of getting burnt if he stood too close, clipped of his wings and scorched from the heat. Like Icarus and the Sun. He would gladly be Icarus if it meant he’ll be able to hold onto him a little longer. But, he doesn’t take that risk._

_It’s not something he was meant to be doing._

_“These hands were not made to love or cherish you. They were made to protect you. Away from all harms of the world.”_

_The words resounding in his mind every single day._

_Their distance maintained. He never dared to cross it. It was his obligation._

_Even with the distance, the radius of the sun’s warmth was still within range._

_He thought to himself that he was satisfied with just that._

_“The lingering warmth was enough,” He desperately repeated those words to himself. Hoping it’ll trick his mind into believing his own lies as the sword lies heavy in its sheath at his side._


	8. Chapter 8

“Hey, Jae-hyung,” Younghyun said in a saccharine voice as he nudged Jae with his leg from the other side of the couch. Jae swatted the leg that invaded his personal space with his hand.

“What do you want, you fiend?” Jae grimaced as he looked at Younghyun’s day-old socks, wrinkling his nose in the process. “How rude, I even called you ‘hyung’ for once,” Younghyun huffed as he whacked Jae in the head by throwing a pillow at him.

Annoyance was boiling up in Jae as he grabbed onto the pillow resting behind his back, but before Jae could do anything with it, a Yoon Dowoon came crashing into their conversation.

“Hyung, I have a question—” Dowoon started but left his sentence hanging when he saw the two about to start a pillow fight. He frowned at them, “What are you both doing?”

The swift change in Younghyun’s behaviour almost made Jae cackled out loud. One moment he was assaulting Jae with all his limbs and the next he sat upright all prettily and innocent like the fiend he was. _God, Brian’s so whipped._

“What’s up, Dowoonie?” said Younghyun with a gentle smile after clearing his throat while maintaining his posh posture. Jae rolled his eyes at him.

Dowoon’s frown was still intact as he plopped down between them on the sofa with a sigh. If anything, Jae would say that the frown deepened and morphed into something more worried _. Did something happen?_ Because it seemed that whatever Dowoon was frowning about troubled him greatly and Jae was ready to fight anybody who caused their fluffball such great distress.

“Did you guys see how Wonpil-hyung acted during dinner yesterday?”

“I was just about to ask Jae about that.” Younghyun’s eyes were glittering and Jae looked away from the awestruck look he was giving Dowoon. He didn’t need another reminder of how much Younghyun was head over heels for their maknae. It’s beginning to look ridiculous.

“Why are you asking _me_? I was on the opposite end of the table from Wonpil during yesterday’s dinner. And wasn’t it just Wonpil being careful over his hand during dinner?”

“Hyung! He’s been acting strangely for a few days now. You can’t tell me you haven’t noticed a single thing,” Dowoon replied with exasperation.

Younghyun heaved a sigh before stacking on, “Dowoon’s right, Jae. And the reason why we’re asking you is simple: _you_ were the one who caused the wounds on Wonpillie’s hand.”

“It wasn’t intentional!” Jae retorted back in defense. “He was spacing out.”

“We’re not blaming you for Wonpillie’s wounds. We just want to know if anything else happened after that. He started acting a little…” Younghyun paused, hesitant and careful with his words, “differently after that day.”

“Differently?”

“He’s being more distant, Jae-hyung. Our clingy and affectionate Wonpil-hyung is being distant to us. Doesn’t that spell ‘differently’ to you?” Dowoon answered easily.

Jae furrowed his brows as he recalled Wonpil’s behaviour during the past few days. He did think it was a little odd that Wonpil hadn’t come to bother him with meaningless things lately. But that was because they were all busy with their upcoming comeback preparations. There was nothing unusual about that during comeback season.

Although, there was one thing that stuck out to Jae when he thought over the day of the incident.

The day Wonpil got the wound on his knuckles.

Wonpil had lied to him once that day.

_“Ah, it’s nothing, hyung! It’s just really smoky around here because of the explosives and stuff that it got into my eye.”_

The pained expression didn’t match up with the words that came out of his mouth. Smile wide but blank like a void. Jae wished he knew why. It bothered him for a while, but he brushed it off as a one-off thing.

“Park Jaehyung-ssi,” Younghyun waved a hand in front of Jae, “are you even listening to us?”

Snapping out of his train of thoughts, he nodded quickly at Younghyun’s question. “Yeah, I’m listening.”

“So, what are we going to do?” Dowoon asked in a quiet manner, voice small that displayed fragility. Worry threading through his words, darting his eyes up to look at them both. Jae didn’t know the answer to that.

They sat in silence at their living room. It’s quiet but an air of uneasiness loomed over them. Jae wondered if the whirling of the air conditioner had ever been that loud before.

“Maybe you can talk to Wonpil, Jae?” Younghyun captured his gaze and held it captive. He sounded hopeful, eyes round with expectant.

“Check up on him and make sure he’s okay? You don’t have to force him to answer anything he’s not comfortable with. Just be there for him, you know?” Younghyun said as he took Jae’s hand into his hold, squeezing it as a plea.

“Me?” Jae said, whispering his answer in surprise.

Younghyun nodded. “He always had a soft spot for you, hyung.”

_He does?_

Jae remembered the smiles they shared together as though they were in their own little world. They laughed together often because laughing with or at Wonpil was easy, like a part of their dynamic. It hadn’t been too long since their last but all the more longer it felt.

_Oh_ , he realised then what his current life lacked.

The lack of wide warm smiles. And especially those lovely ones that came from Wonpil when he’s having the time of his life. His heart was always filled with glee whenever Jae sees them. The hollow feeling finally settling inside of him.

Jae finally came to terms that, _huh_ , maybe Younghyun and Dowoon were right. There _was_ something different about Wonpil lately.

“I’ll try.. but no promises.”

* * *

It’s past 5 a.m. in the morning. Jae was pacing back and forth in front of Wonpil’s bedroom door. Feet shuffling softly on the cold tiles of the floor. Their band had recently moved into a new dorm; each member finally having their own room. No more invasions of privacy and lack of sleep due to noisy roommates (to a certain extent; the walls are thin). A breath of relief for Sungjin, honestly.

Does he knock first? Wait, what does he say if Wonpil really answers the door? He’s getting cold feet and on the verge of running away to the comfort of his own room. _Such a coward, Park Jaehyung. It’s just Wonpil. No need to be so tense. Like Brian said, all you’re going to do is make sure he’s okay and just be there for him—_

It wasn’t until he heard a soft sniffle through the thin walls of their dorm does he freeze in motion. It’s quiet but Jae knew what he heard wasn’t just his imagination because, like he said before, his imagination is not _that_ great. The sound is barely audible, a mere whisper brought over by the drifting wind, but still, he heard it.

Pressing his ear against the wooden door, Jae held his breath; careful not to make any noise. Eavesdropping on his members is something he shouldn’t be doing but he’s worried and doubts that Wonpil would explain if he asks.

The warm air flowing in the room from the air conditioner should be keeping him warm but why does the air feel prickly and cold around Jae at this moment? He thinks he might be sweating on his back too while the room remains dead quiet.

“I’m sorry.”

Jae heard Wonpil whispered, voice filled with remorse as a few sobs escaped. His cries were silent, shudders of breath being let out slowly as to not make any sounds.

Releasing the breath he was holding, Jae backed away from the door. His body slumping from the tension leaving his body. The sky was crying and he wished the rainy clouds would just disappear so that the bright sun could warm the day. If only Jae knew how to make those rain clouds disappear.

He didn’t continue listening in, his conscience slowly eating away at him as he retreated back to his own room to collect his thoughts.

Jae felt useless as he sat on the edge of his bed. It’s not the first time he saw or heard Wonpil crying. Heck, they often cried together for no apparent reason. He didn’t know why this time around felt different, more.. personal. It didn’t sit right with Jae to barge into Wonpil’s personal problems without the latter asking for any help in the first place.

His heart lost and hurt; Jae didn’t know what to do. He missed Wonpil’s bubbly laughter, his beautiful smile, his warm aura. He wished he could drown in them all day. He missed them so much.

Jae missed Wonpil.

But the emptiness remained.

* * *

When Jae finally cleared his mind and firmed his resolve to start a conversation with Wonpil in an attempt to figure things out, it was already bright outside. Sunlight streaking through the curtains, tinting their place yellow. Hearing the door click open, he got out of his room to greet Wonpil.

What surprised him was how absentminded Wonpil was about everything. He was startled when Jae called out to him with a “good morning”, hands cradling each other as he looked down at the ground. It felt like their relationship had regressed to what it was before when they first met.

Jae’s attempt at conversation was bad. He couldn’t think of anything better to say, the words clogged up in his throat. He scrambled his brain to find something to ask Wonpil and _boy_ did he came up with _something_.

Jae blinked, staring at the laptop in his hands—Wonpil’s laptop.

“Are you sure, Wonpil?”

Wonpil frowned as he looked at Jae as if he had grown two heads. Honestly, Jae wouldn’t put it past him because even _he_ was starting to question himself.

“Of course. A promise is a promise!” said Wonpil, shoving the laptop further into his hands, a tight smile placed easily on his face.

Wonpil’s blank smiles were starting to haunt him. It’s been days since his conversation with Younghyun and Dowoon. Ever since then he couldn’t stop noticing them. His heart hurts a little more when he sees them.

Wonpil still acted like his usual self, or at least he tried to. The order he ate his food changed, the way he carried himself was different and Jae thinks he’s being avoided by Wonpil.

Even now, Wonpil doesn’t meet his eyes.

“It’s almost a year since that promise though.”

“It’s fine, Jaehyung-hyungie. Just make sure to return it to me after a month.”

_It’s that smile again._ He wished Wonpil would stop smiling like that. His eyes lacked the usual bright shine. The hollow feeling was starting to get a little unsettling.

“Okay, Wonpil.”

* * *

Jae could hear the faint sounds of footsteps before the door that led outside clicked open softly as the hinges creaked.

“Hyung.. Where are you going? It’s late.” He heard Dowoon say.

“Oh, just to the studio for a bit. I had a struck of inspiration and I didn’t want to lose it. Don’t stay up too late, Dowoon-ah.”

“Wonpil-hyung—”

The door closed with another click. It’s another night Wonpil spends at the studio. Jae doesn’t know when was the last time Wonpil even spent the night here in the dorm. He heard Dowoon sigh, walking back to his own room with heavy footsteps.

Everyone knew by now how strange Wonpil’s behaviour was growing. It was slowly getting out of hand. If only there was a way he could take Wonpil’s sadness away, he’d do it in a heartbeat.

Jae looked up at the ceiling. The lights were off, pitch black surrounding him. Today, the moon was hiding. It’s the phase of a new moon. Hidden and obscured from sight but still readily present if you look carefully.

Running a hand through his hair, Jae got up from his bed. In the process of it, his leg bumped into something rectangular as it fell to the ground with a soft thump. “Ow!” He yelped out as his foot throbbed dully.

The cold metallic feeling of the fallen item felt familiar. That’s when he realised it was the long forgotten laptop he borrowed from Wonpil two weeks ago. _Fuck._

In a panic, Jae picked up the laptop and pat it gently as if it could undo whatever harm he had done. There were no visible marks left from the fall, but just to be safe, he turned it on to check if it was still functioning.

The screen lit up after a few seconds and illuminated the dark room. The bright light was a breath of relief, but he still had to make sure all the files inside the laptop were okay.

Typing in the password to unlock the laptop—0428pil—and was greeted with the default desktop background. Jae checked folders after folders and was pleased to see that everything seemed to be in good condition.

“Okay, all Wonpil’s work related files are working fine,” Jae muttered to himself as he closed the folder. He was glad that nothing got corrupted or damaged.

Just as he was about to switch off the laptop, he noticed a peculiar folder that seemed a little out of place from its position on the desktop. The name of the folder wasn’t anything special. It’s one of those generic files you could find on every computer: My Documents.

He didn’t know what was off about it, but the blue folder stuck out like a sore thumb to him amongst the other icons.

_Has it always been there?_

The option to click open the folder was enticing as the cursor hovered over it. It was easy for Jae to fall into that temptation as he double clicked the blue icon without any hesitation. The need to quench his curiosity ruled over his sense of rationality.

What popped up was something he wasn’t sure what to make up of. The folder was littered with numerous word files. All named in a very vague and poetic manner.

_‘dreams’_

_‘and then there was you’_

_‘before I tire of trying’_

_‘another night’_

There were many others but the one that caught his eye was the last file on the list.

_‘untitled’_

It was the most recently updated file among the bunch. Something tells him that he’s prying right now but his instincts caught on a little too late as his fingers double tapped on the trackpad, the application buffering on the screen.

It took a little while longer before the words load onto the document. Jae eventually finds himself staring at rows of words written immaculately in Korean.

_How many times a day_

_Do I tear up?_

_Even though I try to count it_

_I can’t_

_Because I’m always trying to hold them in_

_How am I these days?_

_When you see me_

_I wonder if I look like I’m okay_

_I don’t know what kind of expressions I’m making these days_

The words end there. Two measly paragraphs. Jae read them over and over again, carefully scrutinising each and every sentence. It’s just two paragraphs of words but why does it feel like something more to Jae?

It’s reverberating endlessly. The words scream into his ears.

_Are these song lyrics? Did Wonpil write these? He must’ve. It’s his laptop._

His eyes glanced over to the bottom corner of the screen and noticed the little date indication that wrote: _Last updated 2 weeks ago._

Two weeks ago. The day he borrowed the laptop. The day he overheard Wonpil crying. The day he wished he knew the reasons behind his tears.

The day Jae wished he could wipe them away.

Every time after that, when he sees Wonpil, he thinks:

_How are you these days? You look sad no matter what nowadays._

_I wish you’d talk to me about it._

But whenever he tries to invite Wonpil to have a meal or two with him—as a conversation starter, he’d politely decline and promptly reply with a few excuses. The first one was, “I’m tired from practice, hyung. Maybe another day,” followed by a tiny smile resting on his lips.

The next time, he said, “Ah, I already made plans with my friend for tonight. Sorry Jaehyungie-hyung!” and dashed off to the exit in no time.

Jae’s beginning to wonder when was the last time he even had a proper conversation with Wonpil. The memories starting to blur between the lines.

_“Hyung, look at this! Doesn’t it look like Brian-hyung?”_

_“It’s all your fault that it burnt to crisp, Jaehyungie-hyung!”_

_“Ah.. how about next time, Jaehyung-hyung? I’m a little busy today.”_

_Maybe the answer lies deep within his laptop._ A reasonable thought to have. This was only one of the many files in the folder. If Jae looked into the other files, he could probably find more clues on what was happening with Wonpil.

But, instead of doing that, he smacked the laptop shut. A sigh escaped his lips.

It’s not his place to.

Another sigh left him as he ran his fingers through his own hair again. It’s painful.

Why does it hurt so much? His head and his heart. The dull throbbing feeling makes his head spin. His fingers feeling cold against his warm face.

_But I know you’re hurting even more._

* * *

Jae was in the main building for his vocal lessons. It’s always busy in the main building; staff members walking around from one department to the other to get work done and fellow idols rushing to their own schedule. He’s finally done with his session and was about to head back to the dorm when suddenly, a strong force was pulling him away with a vice grip on his forearm and another covering his mouth to prevent him from screaming.

It all happened in an instant. One second he was in the hallway, walking towards the basement parking lot, the next he was in an unlit practice room, surrounded by darkness and held captive by whoever it was that had dragged him into this room.

Jae’s confused. Of course he’s confused. Who the fuck wouldn’t be confused if they were in the same position? Darkness blinded his sight as he tried to wriggle out. He tried pulling at the hand covering his mouth away but it just wouldn’t budge. Jae regrets not exercising more now. He’d laugh at his own lack of strength right now if it wasn’t for the situation.

His own voice was muffled because of the hand as he tried to push the person away from him in an attempt to escape from their hold. His eyes still perceiving only darkness as he tried to make out the face of the assailant.

“Stop, ouch— Stay still!”

_That voice. Where have I heard it before?_

His eyes were finally adjusting to the dark. The features of the silhouette in front of him is clearing out slowly but surely. The familiar face made itself known with the dim light slipping through the gaps of the door as the person before him slowly loosened his hold.

“Jinyoung?” Jae said, baffled.

“Jaehyung-hyung,” Jinyoung said, eyes glinting darkly, “with all due respect but, what the fuck did you say to Wonpil?”

“Wonpil? What do you mean?”

“Don’t play dumb with me,” Jinyoung snarled with spite, “You _know_ what I mean.”

Jae didn’t know what Jinyoung was implying in the slightest. He stood there, a little out of breath and dumbfounded by the accusations, staring at the furious man in front of him.

“I swear if you broke his heart just because he’s in the same group as you—” Jinyoung jabbed a finger onto Jae’s chest roughly, “I will break you into two.” His eyes glaring with intensity and sharpness.

“Huh!? What do you mean ‘break his heart’?” Jae said a little too quickly, the words still processing in his mind.

His face changed from anger to confusion. “What? He didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what? It’s been _weeks_ since our last proper conversation.”

“Wait what?” Jinyoung looked at Jae as if he was hearing this for the first time. “Fuck. Sorry, hyung. It’s just Wonpil.. He-he’s not answering any of my questions. Giving evasive answers and pretending that he’s busy all the time.”

“Towards you, Jinyoung, his best friend?”

Jinyoung nodded.

“Wonpil— He—" the younger man started, closing his eyes as he ruffled his hair in frustration, “Since our trainee days, he would never tell anyone when something bothers him. He’ll just put up a front and endure it all by himself.”

“It’s just.. so weird. He seems really happy nowadays, talking about you cheerfully with that stupid smile of his and I can’t help but feel glad for him. That he finally found someone to smile with wholeheartedly.” His lips slowly forming a smile as he continued on, “Do you know that, hyung?”

Jae froze at his spot, forcing himself to look at Jinyoung in the eye as his mouth was left agape. He didn’t say anything in response but Jinyoung continued on anyways, not caring that Jae hadn’t replied him.

His heart was beating loudly in his chest. It’s so noisy that it’s even drowning out Jinyoung’s voice into a soft muffled sound. He could feel his cheeks flaring up with heat.

_Do I know that? That Wonpil smiles bring joy to those around him? Shining brightly on the stage they shared together? Yeah, I knew that. But that Wonpil only smiles in the way that I love the most in front of me? That beautiful and warm smile with his eyes rounding and glistening with joy? And the fact that I love that he only does it to me?_

_Fuck. Oh god._

“Jinyoung-hyung? Where did you go?” A voice called out from the hallway.

“—I’m just worried for him..” A sigh of resignation, “Sorry for bothering you and causing this huge misunderstanding, Jaehyung-hyung. If you found out anything, please do let me know. Thank you.”

With that, Jinyoung vanished to follow the voice, leaving him alone in the dark without waiting for Jae’s reply. Jae stared at the barely visible furniture in the room, the spot where Jinyoung used to be.

A ringing sound echoed in the room before Jae picked up the call, paying no mind to who was the caller.

“Jae? Are you on the way home? Could you grab me a—”

“Hey, dude, how did you realised you had feelings for Dowoon?”

“What— I don’t have feelings for Dowoon,” Jae could hear Younghyun laughing nervously, “What are you talking about—”

“You’re literally _heart eyes_ whenever he’s around. You can’t lie your way out of this, Kang Younghyun.”

They shared a moment of silence.

“I-I don’t really know,” Younghyun said in a quiet voice, like he was whispering a fond secret, “I just love all the little things about him. His smile, his small gestures, his kindness; _everything_.”

Jae could imagine the look of adoration on Younghyun right now as he spoke through the phone. “Maybe what made me finally realised that I was in love with him was when I realised I wanted to make him happy. I wanted to be the reason behind his happiness. It’s kind of selfish of me, huh,” Younghyun chuckled.

“Oh.”

“Why’d you ask, Jae?”

“I think—” Jae closed his eyes, gathering his courage to tell the person on the receiving end of the call, “I think I’m in love with Wonpil.”

A short silence ensued between them before Younghyun said, “About time you realised.”

Jae just imagined Younghyun rolling his eyes at him and it pissed him off. “What?”

“Hyung. I’ve never seen you more happier with anyone else other than Wonpil. I’m sure I’m not the only one who noticed.”

Jae could feel his cheeks warming up again. Was he that obvious?

“I hate you.”

“You’re just mad because I’m right,” Younghyun snickered.

“Shut up, Brian.”

“Love you too, Jae! Remember to get me those donuts at the train station! They’re limited edition and it’s only available today!”

Right after he said that, Younghyun hung up.

“Hey!” Jae spoke into his phone but was only responded with a beeping sound. “That fiend. He’s lucky I’m close with him.”

Jae pocketed his phone before making his way to the train station to buy a box of donuts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> has anyone guessed that 'hurt road - DAY6' is the theme song of this fic yet
> 
> [english translation](https://twitter.com/jaelavie/status/1072092255509336065?s=20) for the lyrics is by jaelavie on twt!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> proceed with caution TT another one of the heavier chapters so take note below
> 
> this chapter has the following trigger warnings! : blood , violence , descriptions of death , minor character death (for past life)

_It was warm. The blood pooling, their hands, his tears. Jae wished he had the strength to wipe them. His hands wouldn’t move no matter how much he asked them—begged them to._

_Whispers of remorse were heard underneath the breath of the man in front of him, but Jae couldn’t do anything to stop them. How he wished he could kiss the other’s guilt away._

_It’s too late to even consider it. It’s too late for anything now. Soon, he’ll be leaving. The only regret he’ll have would be never trying._

_His vision was blurry. He could barely make out what was in front of him anymore. It’s just a blur of shadows crowding it._

_It’s painful. His wounds hurt. His breathing laboured. He’s slipping away. But, that was not what hurts the most._

_“It’s painful but your tears hurt me more. Please don’t cry,” He tried to convey to the other but his lips wouldn’t budge, the words left screaming in his thoughts._

_Jae exerted all his energy in an attempt to comfort the other. His fingers twitched in response but not a single muscle budged. His mind whirling to a dark spiral. His grip on his own life fading._

_It was too late._

* * *

Jae woke up panicked. His breathing was ragged as he took huffs of breath one after the other to even them out. His head hurt. _What was that dream?,_ he thought as he wiped the sweat covering his face. _A nightmare?_ His entire shirt was sticking close to his skin, drenched from sweat. It felt horrible against his skin.

Before he could think about it any longer, the alarm on his phone started beeping. His reminder popping up to tell him that they have a schedule today in the early morning. _Right. It’s the last day of promotions._

After washing up, Jae walked out of his own room to the living room and was greeted with three of his members who were busy preparing a light breakfast for the band.

“Where’s Wonpil?” Jae asked, looking at the stacks of sandwiches assembled by them on the table.

“I think he’s still sleeping. He came back late last night. Could you go wake him, Jae?” Sungjin said, placing another assembled sandwich on top.

“Sure.”

Jae made his way to the front of Wonpil’s door, his brain reminding him of the time when he was pacing in front of this very door. This time, he didn’t hesitate to knock on Wonpil’s bedroom door as he rapped on it twice.

“Wonpil?”

No response. Jae knocked again.

“Wonpillie?”

Only silence greeted him back. Jae turned the doorknob and pushed the creaky door open.

Wonpil’s room was nice and simple—he wasn’t one for decorations after all. His bed was at the right corner of the room, the desk with his computer and game consoles were on the left while his clothes rack was at the back of the room near the door. Everything was kept neatly, which was great so Jae didn’t have to tip-toe his way to the bed, unlike Younghyun’s room. He shuddered at the memory.

“Wonpil, wake up,” Jae said as he shook the boy by the shoulders but, no luck. He took the blanket away from the man’s frame, which was met with slight resistance. Wonpil whined in his sleep from the lack of blanket as he curled his body and hugged his legs in an attempt to compensate for the missing blanket.

“Wake up, Wonpil. We have a schedule today!” Jae said as he squished the younger man’s cheeks together in an effort to annoy him enough to wake up and retaliate. _Heh, cute._ He watched as the sleeping man scrunched his eyebrows together, using his hand to swat at Jae for disrupting his beauty sleep.

Jae released his hold on Wonpil’s cheek. “Wonpil? Hey! It’s almost 6.30.”

Wonpil burrowed his head a little more into his pillow. He mumbled against his pillow, “Five more minutes..”

“Nope! Get up, Wonpil,” said Jae as he poked the keyboardist’s cheeks.

Jae watched as Wonpil’s eyes slowly flutter open, squinting at the bright light coming from the window. His hair a mess with his wavy locks turning in every direction.

_Beautiful._

“Jae..?”

He froze at the call of his name.

_Did Wonpil just called me ‘Jae’?_

“What are you doing here? Don’t you have training in the early mornings, Jae?” Wonpil rubbed his eyes, trying to get rid of the sleep imprinted into his body. _There it was again._ Jae’s head was starting to throb, but he ignored it.

“What are you talking about, you sleepyhead? We got a music show recording later at 8 AM, wake up!”

“Music show.. recording?” He replied groggily.

“Yeah!”

Wonpil continued to rub his eyes awake, Jae could see that the words were barely registering in the other’s mind. Jae silently watched as his movement slowed, each rub slower than the last until he was still. Suddenly, the keyboardist let out a big gasp. His eyes wide open as he stared at Jae’s confused ones; a look of realisation dawned upon him.

“…Jaehyung-hyung?” Wonpil shifted his gaze down, averting his eyes.

_…Huh._ Confused, Jae answered back, “Wonpil?”

“..When did you come in, hyung?”

The icy and distant tone in Wonpil’s voice had returned.

“I woke you up so we wouldn’t be late for our schedule.”

“Oh. I’m so sorry, hyung.” The younger said, hair shielding his face away from Jae’s sight. Gaze still stuck to the blanket. He could see Wonpil gripping the blankets tightly, his thumb rubbing his knuckles.

Jae didn’t know what was Wonpil apologising for, his voice trembling slightly. He was curious, sure, but Jae didn’t question the other. It sounded as if he didn’t want him to anyways. He knows when to not cross the line.

“It’s fine. We all have to go together anyways so waking you up is no biggie. Let’s go have breakfast, okay?”

He patted Wonpil on the head, the soft red locks tickling Jae’s fingers, before heading out to give the keyboardist some time to freshen himself up.

* * *

The pounding in his head was getting worse. It’s beginning to affect him physically. His dream must’ve been a nightmare after all. Although he can’t remember what it was about.

Jae sat on the chair near the wall, head resting against the cold surface of the plastic table. The throbbing pain was echoing in his mind. It felt as if they were trying to remind him of something he had long forgotten, the intensity of it increasing slowly.

They were waiting backstage. Rehearsal was over. Their makeup and outfits all ready for the actual recording. This was their last promotion schedule for their Youth Part 1 comeback. His only worry now was whether he would be able to perform well with this sharp pain. The dreadful feeling was building up. It’s suffocating.

_“Jae..?”_

It’s weird. The word dizzy in his mind. He’s been feeling off since this morning.

No, if Jae was a little more presumptuous, he’d say it was ever since Wonpil being distant. It’s just that now it’s getting a little more overbearing. The feeling was stuck at the bottom of his stomach. It was uncomfortable. The same nagging feeling is back. A lump forming at his throat and he couldn’t swallow it down. It’s getting hard to breathe.

_Was love always this difficult?_

“Jae? Hey, are you okay?” Jae knew it was Sungjin from the raspiness of his voice.

He took a deep breath, willing his headache to subside before replying Sungjin, “Yeah. A little tired but I’m fine. A headache won’t kill me.”

“Today’s the last day of promotions. Don’t push yourself too hard if it gets worse. We still have an after-party to attend to.”

“Yes, sir,” Jae replied enthusiastically with a huge grin, saluting playfully at their leader as he walked off to check on the other members. Jae huffed out a sigh in his seat, shoulders slumping in resignation, his light blue hair covering his view.

_Just a few more hours. I can sleep this headache off after._

* * *

“Cheers!”

“Good work today.”

The distinct sound of chattering, the clinking of glasses and the smell of booze. It was all too familiar but at the same time not. Jae was seated at the corner of the room in the bar, sporting his own glass of barley tea (he dislikes the taste of alcohol and getting drunk as a side effect).

Jae sighed. The after-parties are what drains him out the most after promotions. The small talk, the overcrowded atmosphere in the small room of the bar and, worse of all, is the spontaneous bursts of action from their colleagues through liquid courage.

He could feel the beginnings of his headache again.

“Jae-hyung? Where are you going?” Dowoon’s seat was beside his. He held onto his glass of beer in one hand while his other hand was pushing Younghyun away.

“Dowoonie~ You feel so good. So cooling—”

“—Hands off, Brian-hyung. Just how much did you drink? You’re drunk,” their maknae said, brows furrowed, unsure of what to do in this situation. Jae gave a pitiable look to Dowoon as he watched their bassist squished against his sides whilst giggling.

“I’m only heading out for some fresh air, Dowoon-ah,” Jae reassured the younger, offering a small smile in return. “Good luck with Brian. He’s a bit of a handful when he’s drunk.”

“Wha— Jae-hyung!”

That was the last he heard from Dowoon before Younghyun glomped down on him. Jae stepped out of the bar and was welcomed with the cool night breeze. His eyes were closed as he stepped outside, basking in the cold air. It felt nice against his skin.

When Jae opened his eyes, the view before him was an empty sky. There wasn’t a single star in sight, a common occurrence in Seoul.

Somehow, something inside him yearns for a sky filled with stars. His headache is acting up again.

“Jae..hyung-hyung?”

The slight pause when Wonpil said his name bothered him but Jae didn’t say anything about it. “Hey Wonpil,” Jae gave a quick smile, “What are you doing out here too?”

“I could ask the same to you, Jaehyung-hyung.”

“Just taking a breather. It was getting a little stuffy in that room.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah.”

The silence hung awkwardly in the air. How did he used to talk with Wonpil again? He can’t remember. It’s been too long.

“It’s pretty cold here.”

“You’re right. I guess it’s because it’s next to the lakeside,” Jae chuckled.

Jae hates it. The distant feeling between them. He hates it. But, he hates the fact that he can’t do anything about it a little more. He hates how useless he’s being.

“..I’m going to grab a drink from the vending machine. Do you want anything, Jaehyung-hyung?”

“Oh, then I’ll get a cup of warm cocoa!” Jae felt around his pants and coat, frantically searching for his wallet to pay for his drink, “Hm? Maybe it’s in this pocket instead..”

“It’s fine, hyung. I’ll treat you this time.”

When Jae looked up, he could see the tiny upturns on Wonpil’s lips before he walked off to a nearby vending machine. How long has it been since he saw Wonpil’s smile up close? He could feel a slight blush creeping up to his face. His mind in a daze, the headache long forgotten at the back of his mind.

It’s comforting. Like relieving something he had long lost, buried deep within him. Like relishing in something he thought had slipped through his fingers. Being in love with Wonpil was comforting.

He was so wrapped up in his thoughts that he didn’t notice Wonpil returning with the hot beverages in tow.

“Hyung?”

Jae flinched from the warm press of the paper cup to his cheek. “You scared me!”

Wonpil giggled as he passed the warm cup of cocoa to Jae, “You’re so dramatic, hyung.”

Jae accepted the cup with both hands, his fingertips lightly brushed against Wonpil’s as he grabbed ahold of the cup. It was electrifying but Wonpil swiftly pulled back his hand, covering them over each other; his thumb brushing against his knuckle.

Wonpil was looking down again, this time at the cup his hands were cradling. He was smiling. Jae should be overjoyed by his smile but he’s not. It was a pained and sad smile. He wanted to comfort the younger but he couldn’t, he didn’t know how. So, all Jae could say was, “Thank you.”

Wonpil chuckled, thumb sliding across his knuckles. “It’s just a cup of cocoa. No need to thank me for it.”

They’re sitting in silence again. A little less tense than the last.

“If only we could see the stars at night in Seoul,” Wonpil said, finally looking up, not towards him but towards the sky. It’s been so long since he saw Wonpil’s beautiful eyes up close. Jae always loved seeing it glimmer with joy, like rays of sunshine. When was it suddenly filled with a dull shine?

Jae didn’t say anything in return, carefully gazing upon the keyboardist’s features painted with the moonlight. His sadness was beautiful too. Painfully so. Jae’s head winced.

_“The moon is beautiful tonight, isn’t it?”_

The voice echoed through his mind, but his eyes tried to remain focused on the other. The lines were starting to blur. The sharp pain in his head was becoming too much to bear.

_“Jae?!”_

Wonpil’s voice was blurry. Jae doesn’t even know if he heard it from the person in front of him or the echoing voice in his head. Everything was too loud and bright at the same time. Without even realising, he let go of his cup, letting it fall to the ground with its contents spilling out. His consciousness fading, blink after blink, disappearing into the void.

* * *

He’s here again.

The third prince of the kingdom.

Peering through the tiny gaps of the door leading to the throne room.

Lately, that’s all Jae had been noticing these days. Wonpil was his name. His father had told him after that day where he brought the boy in to treat the wounds on his knee.

The third prince was reserved and shy compared to his much rowdier siblings. Jae noticed. He’s been watching over them beside his father every single day, intending to learn the ropes to follow his father’s footsteps.

But, that’s not all he noticed. Jae noticed something else. Something that he wants to keep as a secret to the whole world.

“What are you doing, Your Highness?”

Wonpil flinched in surprise. “Yo-Your Highness?” The boy looked around him, before their eyes meet again. “Ah.. me? Oh. Um.. nothing much..”

Wonpil was retreating again, averting his gaze with guilt and blocking the view of the gap with his body. But Jae was a head taller than the boy anyways, so it was all in vain. He caught a glimpse of the two other princes running around the room, shouting at each other, and then the king laughing at whatever they were telling him.

He looked back at the third prince; his gaze fixed to the floor. “Why aren’t you joining them?” Jae asked.

“Eh? Oh..” His fingertips fiddling with each other, “It’s okay. I didn’t want to intrude..” A look lingering at the gap of the door before looking to the floor again.

Jae frowned. How would he be intruding when he’s the third prince of the kingdom? He doesn’t get it, but he doesn’t question. _Dad said that some things are best not understood. Maybe this is one of them._

“Would you like to play with me then, Your Highness?” Jae suggested.

Wonpil lifted his head up slowly. His face slowly brightened up from the older’s suggestion.

“Wonpil!”

Jae was startled at the loud voice the prince let out, eyes wide in surprise. It seemed like even the prince himself was shocked at the sheer volume of his own voice as his face reddened in embarrassment.

“My name… It’s—It’s Wonpil.” His voice small, still embarrassed of his loud outburst earlier.

Jae already knew his name. Smile playing on his lips, as he corrected himself, “..Would you like to play with me, Wonpil?”

That’s when he noticed it. The little secret he wants to keep to himself. The way the edges around the younger’s eyes soften, rounding and twinkling with pure joy. The tugs at the corner of his mouth, forming a large wide smile. It’s bright and beaming. Jae feels warm.

“Yes!”

It was the secret of the prince’s smile.

* * *

When Jae reached the age of 18, he was assigned to be the third prince’s personal guard. His father had always been looking after Prince Wonpil since he first came to the castle. But originally, before that, his father was only in charge of guarding the king. It’s a role that had been passed down from generations to generations in Jae’s family.

Times had been peaceful. There wasn’t much of a need to recruit more royal guards, so they were a little shorthanded around the castle. One thing led to another until his father had decided that Jae would be placed in charge of protecting the third prince. Jae was far too young then, brimming with potential that had yet to be awakened. Hence came the suggestion from the king to guard Prince Wonpil alongside with himself, until Jae was fully ready to protect the prince alone.

So once Jae was of age with the necessary skillset, he accepted the role that had been given to him graciously.

_It was also around the same time when he fell._

“The moon is beautiful tonight, isn’t it, Jae?” Smile stretched wide from one end to the other. His eyes forming upturned crescents that expressed happiness as he gazed at the bright moon.

_Fell into the smile that graced the rays of the sun. It’s heat scorching his skin and setting it aflame._

Jae was standing beside him—a little distance between them for good measure—mesmerised by the other’s smile.

_Fell into a love that wasn’t meant to be._

Jae held his breath, letting it go slowly. His eyes never leaving the prince’s profile.

_It was when he noticed the depth of his fall._

“Yes, you’re right, Your Highness. Beautiful is the word I would describe it.”

_He placed a seal around his heart, acting indifferent when confronted with his feelings. An obligation he was prepared to take until death finds him._

* * *

Jae found his death less painful than he thought it would be.

He leapt to the front, the cold blade stabbed deep into his chest, blood drawing out from it as the edges dragged through his skin. It still painful, of course, but not as much as he had anticipated.

_It’s the end. Everything ends here._

Jae thinks it’s a little anticlimactic as he watched the torn pieces of Princess Layla’s letter drift across the wind. It felt like the ending roll came too fast. Nothing had started yet, it was just the beginning, but it was too late to realise that now.

“If only we had more time together,” Their hands pulled together as he whispered. Jae allowed himself to be a little more self-indulgent this time, pressing a kiss on the back of Wonpil’s hand with the last of his strength. He could hear the younger’s tears falling and the concealed sobs slipping out softly.

_To the boy who always cared a little more about the others than himself and sharing his kindness to whoever he loves. The boy who cried for my wounds when I didn’t. The boy I wished had gained the happiness he deserved._

_It’s too late now._

Jae wished he could hold him in his arms now. Hold him close and console his tears like when they were kids. Call out his name and tell him that it was going to be fine.

However, he couldn’t.

His hand tried to reach out towards the other’s cheek in an attempt to wipe the tears away, but it just wouldn’t budge. His body had become far too weak. Their blood surrounding them like a puddle as his breath came out short and heavy.

_Please don’t cry, your tears hurt me more than my wounds do._

It’s weird. His vision was getting darker and darker with time. His body felt heavy and he can feel himself succumbing to the inevitable.

Yet, Jae doesn’t fear death as much as before.

It’s not like he doesn’t have any regrets; there were plenty. But, only _one_ mattered.

He grew up with the young prince ever since they were kids. They were always seen together. At the library where they read to each other, at the training room where they sparred for practice and at the garden where they spent most of their time lazing around.

It was normal. It was part of his duty. To accompany the young prince and protect him from all kinds of harm.

That was, until these feelings blossomed in his chest. Warm and kind. It was fun. But his duties slowly became shackles to restrain him.

It’s a strange feeling. Instead of being afraid, Jae’s a little hopeful towards it.

_I hope we meet again, somewhere, anywhere._

_If we do, I’ll fall in love with you all over again. It doesn’t matter if I forget about the time we spent together here as the third prince of the east kingdom and a royal knight._

_This time, I’ll cherish you properly with my love._

As his eyelids drooped, he took one last final look at the other.

_It’s too late now but—_

* * *

The first thing Jae saw when he woke was the familiar ceiling of his room. It was a cold morning. The sun had yet to rise. It’s odd but nothing out of the ordinary. It’s always cold in the early mornings of Seoul. He rose from his bed slowly, sitting up with the blankets still in contact with his body.

As he got up, he felt something wet on his cheeks. He wiped them away with his hands, surprised to see tears leaking out of his eyes.

It’s strange.

The tears just wouldn’t stop. His head was pounding. The more he blinked, the more the tears fell.

_It was always cold after we separated._

Jae smiled with his tear-stricken face.

_But, likewise, it was warm in your embrace, my prince._


	10. Chapter 10

_“You have to hold Jaedong like this, Wonpil! He likes it when he’s held like that.”_

_“Your Highness, you must be tired. Get some rest. I’ll wake you before your next appointment.”_

_“What kind of feel should we try for this song?”_

_“I’ll always be by your side, Pil. Whenever. Wherever.”_

_“Wonpil, are you okay?”_

_"If only we had more time together."_

Jae’s voice lingered in Wonpil’s mind. The memories clashing with each other. It’s buzzing and persistent. Wonpil hates it. It’s loud in his mind. The cold morning breeze does little to help him as he stood at his balcony, leaning on the metal railing to clear out his head.

He’s still awake. Rather, he couldn’t sleep again, scared of dreaming.

It’s still dark. The moon was still shining brightly in the sky.

Wonpil wished the ground would just swallow him whole. Away from all his problems. He thought he had everything under control by now, but it keeps coming back for him. His fingers brushing against his knuckles again, where the wound used to be.

A sharp knock came at his door. Wonpil didn’t answer. He’s afraid so he covered his ears from the noise, pretending not to hear.

“Wonpil?” a voice behind him spoke, a tone of worry threading his words. It’s loud enough to be heard over the palms of his hands.

He dropped his hands to his sides. “Jaehyung-hyung,” Wonpil breathed out quietly, turning around to greet the older man, “You’re awake.”

Jae smiled at him with that sweet, beautiful smile as he walked to stand beside Wonpil at the balcony. Wonpil wished he didn’t turn around. Wished he could wipe that smile off his memory.

“Yeah, I heard from Bri that you helped me to my room. Thanks, Pil.”

He bit his inner cheeks lightly. “Oh, it’s okay hyung. Just doing what I had to do,” Wonpil looked up momentarily to meet Jae’s blazing gaze, “Can I know what exactly happened back then? It scared me when you collapsed beside me all of a sudden.”

Jae didn’t answer him right away. Giving a noncommittal hum as his smile widened, leaning against the railing. It’s blinding. His heart hurts.

“Hey, Pil,” Jae said, looking at the drifting cloud in the slowly brightening sky with his hair swaying together with the wind, “Do you believe in second chances?”

Wonpil didn’t say anything to that, hands fiddling with each other once more. It’s quiet between them for a few moments before Jae spoke again, “Well, I do.”

“I feel like I just woken up from a long dream,” Jae turned to face him, eyes holding him captive, “You were with me, in that dream.”

The strange feeling is back again. Wonpil hates it. He hates the way Jae’s eyes looked at him, as if imploring him. He wished he could look away but he doesn’t know how.

“A dream..?” Wonpil asked. His voice was breathless. He’s scared of dreams. They bring back a lot of different kinds of memories to Wonpil. A mixture of emotions.

“Yeah, it felt oddly surreal—” Jae chuckled, “—like it wasn’t actually a dream.”

Wonpil could feel his blood freeze over.

He continued, “You were there. We were always walking side by side each other, near but still very far.”

The visions were flooding his mind. Visions of beautiful skies, the bright and sunny flower garden, and the swirl of smoke from the cup of hot chocolate. Wonpil wanted Jae to stop talking.

“The night skies in my dream were gorgeous. It was filled with stars. We watched as the sun goes down and the stars come up, like it was our routine,” The look in Jae’s eyes changed into something serious, “Hey, Wonpil-ah. Was it really a dream? Because I’m beginning to think it wasn’t.”

“I’m—” He controlled his breathing before proceeding, “—sure it was a dream because I don’t remember us doing any of that together, hyung.”

Jae’s expression softened visibly, hand reaching out towards Wonpil’s cheek. “Then, why are you crying, Pil?”

Wonpil froze in motion. He felt the tears fell with wet strokes, drop after drop.

“Huh?” He wiped the onslaught of tears falling down his face, “No, it’s not—”

“Wonpil-ah.”

“Jae—" The name rolled off his tongue perfectly. The hiccups were trapped in his voice. The tears choked up in his throat and it was getting hard to see. He wanted to run away, backing away with slow steps, but Jae’s grip on his shoulders kept him in place.

“Does this have something to do with you avoiding me these past few weeks?”

“Wh-What are you talking about, please let go of me.” He’s afraid. Afraid of what’s to come. He’s pushing Jae away with both hands now. His voice was trembling, even he could hear it. He knew he’s not strong enough to see through it. He’s _afraid_.

“Could it be..?” Jae’s face warped in realisation, “That you also remembered? About our past life?”

“No, I—"

“Wonpil. Your Highness—” A look of worry flashed. His head hurts. He’s afraid.

“No!” He shoved Jae away with a surprising amount of strength he didn’t know he had it in him. Both of them were staring at each other in shock.

Wonpil’s look hardened. “Jae, I’m not who you think I am in our past life. I’m a monster. A murderer.”

He continued, voice raised, “I-I killed everyone. Everyone in the kingdom, my family. You. I killed you. My hands, they’re tainted beyond help. Covered in blood for all to see and it wouldn’t wash off. Everyone I loved, they’re dead. And it’s because of me.”

“That’s not true. I’ve watched over you my entire life, I know who you are with my own two eyes. It wasn’t your fault.”

“It was! I’m undeserving of your forgiveness.”

“Wonpil—” Jae’s arms wrapped around him.

Wonpil pushed him away again, escaping his hold. “Please stop—" But his tears continued to flow on, “Stop being so kind to me, Jae.”

The sun was beginning to rise, dyeing the sky with bright streaks of orange. A great contrast to his emotions.

Wonpil’s tears were glistening with a tinge of orange. His breaths came out heavy.

“Please, please just leave me alone. I deserve this, _I’m—_ ” Wonpil repeated underneath his breath. The words came out hard, hands pulling at his hair in frustration.

Jae lifted his hand, letting it hover over Wonpil’s face.

“Did you know? When I was just a humble knight, I fell in love with the you that was beautiful.” His eyes crinkling at the sides, a pressed smile stretched across his lips.

“Not you as the Third Prince of the East Kingdom. No.” Jae caressed Wonpil’s cheek, pushing the hair strands behind his ear, “I fell in love with Wonpil. Just, Wonpil.”

The tears fell off his face, dripping down to the floor. His touch tingling Wonpil’s skin. The sky was turning purple, the orange blending in with the clouds.

“Even until my last breath, I saw you, my prince, as beautiful.”

“No—”

“And in this life, as I was drifting through it aimlessly, I found you again.”

The wind gently blowing and the sun rays illuminating the older man. It’s a breathtaking sight.

"I fell for the same beautiful you all over again. It’s not a mistake. I won’t let you say it. Because it’s not true.”

“I thought I had lost you but you are here. You are here with me still.” Jae was crying, his face scrunched. The tears rolled down quietly; his grip tightened.

“I love you, Kim Wonpil. And I will continue to do so like in our previous life, the current life and every other life I will live through. I will always choose you in the end.”

“But, I ruined everything in our previous life. How could you still say that, knowing this fact?” Wonpil’s voice was soft. _Do you not fear me?,_ he left unsaid.

“Because I know that’s not the truth,” Jae said wiping the tears off his cheeks, “If you can’t let go of your guilt, at least let me carry the burden together with you.”

“You don’t have to be afraid. I’ll be by your side, Pil.”

Just like that Wonpil was being enraptured by his dazzling smile again, Jae’s hand outstretched towards him. It felt like they were back to when they first met. The day he scraped his knee and met the person with the most beautiful smile he’s ever seen.

For the first time in weeks, he felt lighter. His days were becoming brighter. The familiar warmth was comforting.

“So, Wonpil, how about you?”

It’s strange. His hands had stopped trembling. The wounds didn’t ache as much as before. His heart was thrumming in his chest. The tears finally dry. As expected, Wonpil was no match for Jae.

“I-I don’t have the right to love you. It’s what I’ve decided when I watched you die before me. It’s what I continued to believe when I regained those memories. But, why?”

They made eye contact, feeling the intensity of his gaze. The words he kept for so long, covered deep within many layers.

“Jae, why does my heart betray me? I love you so much it hurts but I know I don’t have that right. You would be way better off with someone else than me. Better off without those memories from our past life.”

Jae didn’t say a word, hand still outstretched towards him. It’s warm, the rays of the sun were painting them in yellow.

“…Even knowing all that, would you still accept this pathetic love of mine?” His hand hovered over Jae’s for a long moment before finally covering it with his own, eyes hiding behind his wavy bangs looking at the ground.

The silence last for a moment too long. Wonpil felt unsettled.

“Jae..?” Wonpil broke the silence, peeking from underneath his bangs.

The sight of Jae flushed in red from his ears to his neck was a pleasant sight to see. Their eyes met and Jae hid his blush with his hand.

All Wonpil could hear was his own heart beating in his ears.

“Ah, what to do,” said Jae as he slumped down to the ground in a squat, “I’m so happy.”

Jae looked up from his spot on the ground towards Wonpil. Their hands were still clasped together. He tugged at their hands, bringing himself up to pull the younger man into an embrace.

“Yes, I would, you dummy.”

They stay like that for a long while, until one of them decided that it was getting a little too stuffy within each other’s hold. The bright yellow sun was shining in the sky, morphing the orange sky into a pale yellow.

_I greeted the stars every night with a forlorn look, wishing upon the twinkling lights ever since we were young, even when we’re apart._

“Hey, Jae.”

“Hm?” Their hands interlocked with each other. The sky slowly turning into a bright blue. The moon was no longer in sight, leaving only the bright sun in their vicinity.

Wonpil pulled their hands up to his lips and gave a small peck on the back of Jae’s hand.

“Thank you.”

_It seems the stars have answered my prayers; our fates intertwined._

“Of course, Your Highness.”

Wonpil could feel the warmth on his cheeks. “Okay! Enough with the name calling! I’m not a prince anymore.”

“Oh, but you’ll always be one for me, _my prince_ ,” Jae snickered. Wonpil had never hesitated on smacking him there and then.

“Hey— Ouch!”

He frowned at Jae, trying to appear angry, but it slowly dissolved into a thousand giggles as soon as he saw Jae pouting cutely. How can he stay mad at this adorable man?

It wasn’t long before Jae joined along laughing, their shared laughter filled the room.

_So today, I’ll greet the biggest one of them all—the sun—with you._

_Only you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...is it too late to say that i want "afraid - day6" to be the anthem too? i read the lyrics and am here to ask you to join me in my suffering


	11. epilogue

_My dearest Wonpil,_

_I’m sorry I couldn’t say goodbye before I left. I’ve raised you since you were young, just one last time, I wished I could have held you before my time was up. I wished I could have given you, my sunshine, all the better things in life to the extent of my capabilities._

_I know it would be a little scary from now on, to be in that big castle without me, but I know you will be just fine._

_Someday, you’ll find someone who would accompany you through all the challenges in your life. Someone who you would love like you know no other. Someone who will love you back the same way. I truly believe in that._

_My child, I hope you forgive me. For not being able to be by your side like I promised you. I hope you can find the happiness you deserve without me by your side._

_Thank you for brightening my life._

_Sincerely,_

_Your Mother_

* * *

The sun casted its shine upon them, the bright light getting in his eyes as Wonpil walked through the field of flowers. Spring has appeared fully to grace its beauty to the earth. It’s picturesque; the way the wind blows making the grass around Jae sway, light threading his features and Wonpil couldn’t help but stare. It’s dazzling, his eyes crinkling with his wide smile. The warmth wrapping around them.

His mind had supplied him with guilt: _I don’t deserve this view._

But, Jae grabbed Wonpil’s hands in his and locked their fingers together, pressing a kiss to their fingertips. He looked at Wonpil with that beautiful smile and laugh which made Wonpil laughed along, his worries dissipating into nothingness.

And he knew he would be alright.

“Beautiful.,” Wonpil muttered softly underneath his breath, smile still etched on his face. Tightening their grip, as he caressed his cheek.

“Have you fallen for me all over again, Your Highness?”

“In your dreams, Jae.” He pinched Jae’s cheeks.

“Now that’s foul play with that pretty face—”

“Wonpil!” Younghyun shouted behind them. They turned to look at their bassist jogging to where they were.

“The car is working again, let’s get going!”

“Alright, alright. We’ll be there soon.” Their hands still interlocked as they walked back to the car with steady steps.

“Stop flirting! We’ll be late!” Dowoon quipped.

“Looks like someone’s jealous,” Jae said as he waggled his eyebrows.

“No, I am definitely _not_ ,” Dowoon deadpanned, “You know how my mom gets when we’re late.”

“Enough chattering. Just get in the car, all of you,” Sungjin said, heaving a deep sigh.

“I call shotgun!” Wonpil yelled as he let go of Jae’s hands and ran towards the car.

“Hey— That’s not fair!” Jae gasped, before running after him.

“What? I wanted to ride shotgun this time!” Younghyun whined, running along with them.

“I called it first! We made a deal!” Wonpil giggled as he took his seat next to Sungjin, their designated driver, buckling his seatbelt as he made himself comfortable.

Later, Jae and Younghyun fought over their seating positions, pushing at each other to compete on who could enter through the door first, until Dowoon stopped them by stealing the seat they were fighting over right under their nose.

“Are you happy, Wonpil?” Sungjin said quietly over the loud voices bickering in the back, starting up the car with ease.

Wonpil smiled. His eyes smiling along with him, teeth shining in that wide smile. The brightest smile he had ever shown.

“More than I ever was throughout my lives.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you've made it until the end!! thank you so much for joining me on this ride, i appreciate all of you <33
> 
> special thanks to user jajudeeds on [twt](https://twitter.com/jajudeeds) and [ao3](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jajudeeds/pseuds/jajudeeds/works) ;u; read her fics, her works are amazing. give those rarepairs a try!
> 
> feel free to leave your thoughts on the fic below, i would love to hear them!! you can also scream at me through my cc or twitter! pick whichever you are comfortable with :D i welcome anyone who wants to cry to me about it <33
> 
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/weepyclouds) | [twitter / archive](https://twitter.com/weepyclouds) | [twitter / personal](https://twitter.com/zeeweiiii)


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